Want you to make me feel like I’m the only douche in the world!

 

So while Christian deals with his “double exasperation” at Anastasia’s virginity, Anastasia seems to grow a brain for all of two seconds and reminds Christian that they hardly know each other and thus, she wasn’t obligated to reveal her sexual history (or lack thereof) at first meet.

There’s hope for the girl yet, folks. Not much, of course, but still… Some.

Christian, however, having near-toxic levels of asshole in his body, uses the word “virgin” as some kind of insult and basically makes all the virgins reading this book feel like defective products or something.

Whatta guy.

Then Christian calls Anastasia beautiful as part of the reason why he’s being such a jackhole about things, and Anastasia loses the thread and basks in the compliment, completely missing the part where he’s implying there must be something wrong with her because she hasn’t had sex yet.

Christian, I will now ask you to familiarize yourself with the Die In All The Fires exit procedure. Anastasia, you may accompany him.

Clearly, this whole “virginity” thing is a problem, and then, of course, Anastasia bites her lip, so Christian decides to “rectify the situation.”

… Rectify away, Christian. Good luck.

Anastasia: “ ‘What do you mean? What situation?’”

Christian: “ ‘Your situation (reviewer: I’m picturing him curling his upper lip in disgust here, but YMMV). Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.’”

Me: How romantic. *continues filing nails*

…Seriously? I mean, that’s what women want? Some random cockburger to make you feel like some sort of freak and then to decide to “fix” it without your input at all? Sorry. Some rich random cockburger. My mistake.

Hey: GET BETTER FANTASIES.

Oh, but then, folks…. THEN. Shit gets real. Because Christian prepares to rock Anastasia’s world.

Unfortunately, he has to narrate the entire thing, which totally takes me out of the mood. It would be a lot better for me if you didn’t talk, Christian.

Things we learn from Christian Grey’s narration:

• He wants to bite that lip.
• He wants to kiss every inch of Anastasia’s beautiful, pale, flawless skin.
• He likes brunettes. (Yippee. I can die happy now.)
• Anastasia smells so good.
• Anastasia Steele is very beautiful, and he can’t wait to be inside her.
• (By the way, he’s the only one speaking at this point. She’s been turned into some kind of mute by his fuckspell.)
• He wants to see how Anastasia makes herself come (which she doesn’t. SHE-FUCKING-NANIGANS).
• (Also, there you have it, folks: not masturbating makes you dumb. Adjust life accordingly.)
• We’re gonna have to work on keeping Anastasia still.
• Anastasia (by which he means her tits) fits his hand perfectly.
• Anastasia is very responsive, and it is going to be fun teaching her how to control that. (Somehow I doubt that.)
• (I’m not even halfway done, you guys… This fucker just will not. Shut. Up.)

… I can’t even continue this, ‘cause it would be the entire review. He doesn’t even really talk dirty, it’s just obvious shit. Actually, let me demonstrate:

“ ‘Pull your knees up,’ he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. ‘I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,’ he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.”

“I’m going to fuck you now”?! Seriously. I didn’t even know that needed a special announcement. He should probably hire trumpeters and stuff so that they can play a fanfare.

Oh, and? Can we just take a moment and explore how fucking strange it is to call it “my sex”?

I just—okay, look. He’s not positioning the “head of his erection” (can you see my none-face? I bet you can) at the entrance of your female, he’s positioning it at the entrance of your vagina. Or pussy. If you can say “fuck,” you can say “pussy.” Fucking hell.

After the, uh, positioning is done, Christian—fine gentleman that he is—rips through Anastasia’s virginity.

REALLY, ASSHOLE?!

Oh, but because His Douchesty is the douchiest, after he makes it the most painful initiation to sex ever, he stops and looks down at Anastasia, his eyes “bright with ecstatic triumph.”

I just—I can’t. I have lost the ability to can with this goddamn book.

It’s only after he’s done with his little moment of victory that he thinks to ask Anastasia if she’s okay. Now, if Anastasia were an actual person, she’d need a little more time to get used to Monsieur Jackhammer, but since people don’t act like people on Planet Fucktardia, she’s totally cool, bro, and they finish.

For the record, at no point was I even close to being aroused by this sex scene, and if I had, that whole ripping thing would’ve taken me right the fuck out of the mood. Just… ouch.

After that, Anastasia wants to do it again (HOW?!), which means Christian’s back to narrating.

“ ‘So you want me to fuck you again?’ he whispers in my ear, and he begins to trail feather light kisses around my ear and down my neck.”

This time, they do it doggy-style, but he does it really slow this time, which—yay, I guess. At least he’s capable of being a considerate lover. Too bad he couldn’t do that when he ripped through her fucking hymen.

Anyway, this sex scene is a bit better, but still not hot ‘cause Christian still won’t shut the fuck up and let me pretend he’s someone else.

After that, Anastasia passes out and I unclench my thighs a little.

When she wakes up, she goes wandering around the Douche Mansion and finds Christian playing the piano because he’s a ~sensitive soul~. He then dusts off his Pretentious Asshat award and tell us that he was playing Transcription, by Bach, but that it was originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.

Just say “yes, it’s Bach,” and leave it at that, for fuck’s sake. Jesus.

Anyway, then he orders Anastasia to bed, where they notice blood on the sheets.

Anastasia’s reaction: “I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.”

Christian’s reaction: “ ‘Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about.’”

My reaction: You need to give Mrs. Jones a fucking raise.

 

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “Christian Grey’s feet… wow… what is it about naked feet?”

I honestly have no idea. What about naked feet?

2. “My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending in my body so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony.”

Nope. See, this is why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed thesauruses. Different words have different connotations, dumbass, so “brunt” is not the same thing as say, “attention,” or “focus.” Just… you know what? Just stop writing.

3. “He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no… Will it? How?”

Okay. Has this chick ever taken a Biology course? Sex Ed? Health? Kids in Junior High know “how,” for god’s sake.

4. “ ‘Open your mouth,’ he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly. ‘See how you taste,’ he breathes against my ear. ‘Suck me, baby.’ His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.”

So to recap: you are sucking your virgin blood off Christian Grey’s thumb…

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1.  “His brows knit together. ‘How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.’”

I know, right? Especially when sex is lurking in every dark shadow, biding its time. I mean, they even give you free sex in Happy Meals! Oh, and at work, when you punch in and they just expect you to sex right there. There’s no way to escape!

Also? I love that his brows knit together. Such a fun togetherness activity.

2. “ ‘No one’s really, you know.’ Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be some kind of monster.”

What is this sentence?! Is that even technically English?

Also, off is the direction in which I wish you would fuck, Anastasia.

3. “I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I’m going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey.”

I’m sorry—how old are you?

4. “He opens the top drawer of the chest and removes a packet of condoms. He gazes at me intently. ‘Be prepared,’ he murmurs. ‘Do you want the blinds drawn?’”

Great, now I have that song stuck in my head. Now you will, too:

Stick with Christian, and you’ll never be horny again!

5. “I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body.”

Clearly, since you seem to have forgotten basic punctuation.

6. “He blows very gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.”

Ew, like Stretch Armstrong?!

7. “My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me.”

Anastasia’s body, pictured here:

I am amused, however, by the image of sweat gathering and then hovering over her body… Like when the T-1000 melted and came together.

8. “Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”

9. “ ‘We’re going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,’ he breathes.”

Real and slow. Got it. Note: CHECK COMMA USE

10. “ ‘You. Are. So. Sweet,’ he murmurs between each thrust. ‘I. Want. You. So. Much.’”

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

11. “ ‘You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,’ he growls.”

12. “ ‘Fuck. Ana,’ he breathes.”

… You just did. Twice.

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted, my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”

So much… just so much fail here.

Anastasia,

 

Christian Grey, Patronizing Granny

“ ‘And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two.”

Christian, pictured here:

When are you gonna get married, dearie?

Christian Grey, Mistress of Pain

 

So Chapter Seven is actually pretty short, but it does contain some hilarity.

When we finished Chapter Six, Anastasia was staring in shock at Christian Grey’s playroom, mostly because her stupid ass thought he meant this:

And she got this:

SURPRISE!

She’s the only one surprised, but hey…

She takes in all the, uh… implements… and still doesn’t blush. Ladies and gentlemen, I think she’s cured! Or in shock. Whatever.

By the way, is it… weird… that I kind of envy Christian’s assortment? I mean, he’s got paddles and whips and chains—oh, my!

Oh, and I love that Anastasia knows what a cat o’nine tails is, but has no idea what sex or masturbation is. Perhaps this is a match made in make-me-puke heaven.

But no, it isn’t… Because Anastasia is annoyingly judgey, and while I don’t know what’s up with Christian yet, I hate hate hate that she calls him a freak (or “freaky.” Whatever) and makes all these assumptions about people who subscribe to this kind of lifestyle. I see you there hiding behind your dumbass protagonist, James, and FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

Anastasia finally snaps out of her—I don’t know, is it catatonia?—and asks Christian what da fuck’s up with this lovely room of pain, and Christian comes out of the dungeon—so to speak—as a Dom (that’s clickable, by the way. So’s this). He tells her that he wants to play with her, and that he wants her to please him. Slightly douchey way of putting it, but hey—that’s Christian, baby. He’s an experience.

He then mentions that there are rules. And yes, there are rules. Always. This is supposed to be fun, not scary… I’ve heard.

Anyway, the deal’s this: Christian gets Anastasia as a sub, and Anastasia gets to ride the Christian train to Pleasure Town. Simple, right?

He then shows her what would be her room if she accepts, then does that thing where he tells her she has to eat. They go back downstairs and Christian offers to answer any questions Anastasia might have. Which is nice, sure, but… I mean, she can’t just ask him. I mean, she should research pretty fucking thoroughly—especially since she’s… I don’t wanna say “dim.” Actually, I do wanna say “dim.”

Things we find out in the Q&A session:

• Christian fucking loves paperwork.
• Christian has a housekeeper named Mrs. Jones. (Great. Now I have “Me and Mrs. Jones” in my head.)
• Anastasia will eat.
• Anastasia will hang on to her free will for a bit longer, if that’s okay with Christian.
• Christian has had fifteen women.
• Christian will punish Anastasia when she requires it, and it will be painful.
• Christian has been beaten.

It is at this point that Christian takes Anastasia into the study and hands her a copy of the rules (which are subject to change—like event times or work schedules) and a contract, which he orders her to read (don’t worry, I’ll include some of them in my brand new sub-heading).

Anastasia begins to negotiate (this is so romantic, you guys, you have no idea) some of the rules and then we get to Christian’s hard limits. Hehe, “hard.” …Yes, I am twelve.

He then asks Anastasia if she would like to add anything to the list of hard limits, and this is when Christian finds out that Anastasia’s a virgin. And then, further proof that Christian is a cockface:

“ ‘You’re a virgin?’ he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me. ‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?’ he growls.”

… Because it’s none of your fucking business, fuckface, and you’ve only known each other a few days. Am I the only one who even remembers that?!

Ugh. Christian gives me murdery feelings.

 

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “Sleep:

The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant.”

Um… okay? What if she’s an insomniac? What if she’s narcoleptic? What if she sleeps upside down like a bat and has to wake up when all the blood rushes to her head?

2. “Food:

The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit.”

 

(LOVE that that says “ew moon,” by the way. GOOD.)

3. “Personal Safety:

The Submissive will not drink to excess (reviewer: Welp… I’m out), smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.”

Um… Did Christian forget that he’s courting Miss Walks Out Into Traffic Randomly?!

4. “Hard Limits

No acts involving fire play

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof

No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood

No acts involving gynecological medical instruments

No acts involving children or animals

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin

No acts involving breath control”

…I’ll remember that “no blood” thing.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “Okay, I understand the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by the soft-boudoir-Elizabethan-torture set up.”

… She does this to annoy me, right? This whole describe-things-with-unnecessary-hyphenation thing?

2. “Kate had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know?”

She has eyes.

3. “ ‘No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with drink.’ His eyes are reprimanding.”

Hey, Christian?

 

4. “This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Christian, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whip and chains in a special room.”

How’s that judging thing working out for you, fuckknuckle? Good? Great.

5. “ ‘I’m not sure about accepting money for clothes. It feels wrong.’ I shift uncomfortably, the word ‘ho’ rattling round my head.”

That feels wrong? Seriously?

And hey, fuck you for that “ho” comment.

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation.”

… No, it’s not. Also?

 

(Love you, Rory!)

 

Christian Grey, Deep Thinker

“ ‘Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?’”

LMAOMG

This may be my favorite Christian quote so far…

We need to get some money together so that we can buy Anastasia a clue, ‘cause… Damn.

 

So… yeah. They kissed and shit. It was glorious in the way that’s… not.

Anyway, Chapter Six in Fifty Shades of Douche starts with Christian about to drive Anastasia home. Anastasia feels like a big girl now ‘cause she got kissed, whereas Christian is his normal, prickish self.

This confuses Anastasia, of course, because I don’t think there are pricks on the planet she comes from. Yes, I also mean “prick” as in “penis.”

Hey, guys, this is Christian’s car:

This is Christian’s driving music:

The comments on this video are fucking depressing, by the way.

Christian, on his musical taste:

“My taste is eclectic, Anastasia, everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon. It depends on my mood(read: I listen to Creed).”

And, when Anastasia says she’s never heard of Thomas Tallis (no one has, sweetie): “I’ll play it for you sometime. He’s a sixteenth century British composer. Tudor, church choral music.”

Congratulations, Christian! You win a prize!

After he’s done impressing Anastasia with the car commercial music, he puts on Kings of Leon. Personally, I think he just wants to impress her with all the buttons he can press.

Christian, pictured here:

He presses a few more buttons when he gets like, three phone calls in a row—he’s a very important man, don’tcha know—and we learn that “the NDA” was emailed to him and that Christian’s brother Elliot is a lot more likable than Christian himself—not that that’s a huge achievement or nothin’, I’m just sayin’.

After that, Anastasia tells Christian that she prefers to be called “Ana” (tough titties, shitbrick) and Christian deliberately ignores her. Because he’s a great guy. Also, he controls everything. If you didn’t know from the seventy billion times Anastasia says it, then you do now.

He then informs her that kissing like what happened in the elevator won’t happen unless it’s “premeditated,” which leads me to believe that making out with Christian requires strategy meetings with maps and shit, like when you’re gonna invade a country.

Second Base with Christian:

They arrive at Anastasia and Kate’s apartment, then walk in to find a happy morning-after Kate and Elliot.

Elliot continues to be warm and friendly, hugging Anastasia hello and deflating his brother’s doucheballoon a little (fuck you, spellcheck. If I want to make “doucheballoon” a word, I will, dammit).

Elliot gives Kate a fantastic goodbye kiss while Anastasia seethes with jealousy, then tries to pretend it’s ‘cause Christian doesn’t kiss her the same way.

Elliot finishes his kiss with a “laters, baby,” which is sort of kind of cute, but then Christian tries to say it, too, and it just ruins it.

Fucking Christian is a life-ruiner.

So the brothers leave, and Kate asks if Anastasia got laid, too. Anastasia says no (actually, she snaps at Kate because she’s obviously still jealous of Elliot), but then says that she’ll have another chance at Dat Ass later that night.

Kate offers to get Anastasia all prettied up for her date and—wait a minute. I thought Christian was “dangerous,” Kate? And that you didn’t trust him?

I think E.L. James skipped the “character consistency” chapter in Writing Shitty Fanfic for Dummies.

Anyway, Anastasia goes to work, and blah blah blah oops, it’s time for Christian to pick her up.

He asks her how her day was, though clearly not a one of us—including Christian—really care, and mentions that he went hiking with Elliot.

Then we find out that Anastasia has no idea how helicopters work, is distracted by elevators ‘cause Christian kissed her in one, and that she doesn’t get the concept of “owning a company.”

Christian gets all creepy when he secures Anastasia’s safety harness, saying that she’s secure and that there’s “no escaping” and adding that he likes this harness.

WARNING

 

He then assures her that she’s safe with him… while they’re flying, anyway.

 

Anyway, Christian explains how helicopters fly at night (because as we all know, Anastasia is painfully stupid), then admits that she is the first woman he let in his newfangled flying machine. Anastasia is predictably flattered.

Then Anastasia muses that Seattle looks like a set from Blade Runner (or, as she puts it, Bladerunner), which is José’s favorite movie. She then feels a little cruel for not calling José back even though she’s not obligated to and even though he was a fuckface who deserves to be punished.

Soon after this Christian lands the helicopter safely (dammit) and he assures Anastasia that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s a strange time to say it, but cool. This is good. You’re right, Christian.

Of course, Anastasia being the dumbass that she is, tells Christian that she’d never do anything she didn’t want to while admitting to herself that she’d probably do anything for him anyway.

A man who she met—what? Three, four days ago? A man who treats her like an idiot child and who passed Stalking 101 with flying colors. A man she knows nothing about.

Then it’s time for a tour of Christian’s home/lair!

Anastasia describes it all, but I won’t repeat it because I value the sanity I have left. It’s big and douchey. ‘Nuff said.

Oh, and there’s a piano.

And it all makes Anastasia horny, too, though she surprisingly doesn’t blush once. I think maybe we’re making progress!

After a talk about Tess of the Urbervilles (seriously, is that the only book this bitch has ever read?!) and how there’s a parallel between it and this, the romance of the ages, Christian fetches the non-disclosure agreement.

It states that she can never say anything about her “relationship” with Christian to anyone. Not one thing.

… I don’t know about you, but I’d be out of that fucking Douche Palace so fast it would look like I teleported.

Anastasia, however, signs immediately. I-fucking-mmediately. She doesn’t even read it. Even after Christian correctly points out that you should never sign something you haven’t read first.

I just… Wh—WHAT THE FUCK.

She says it’s because she wouldn’t say anything to anyone anyway so it doesn’t matter if she signs or not (her stupidity is giving me heartburn. Not even kidding).

And apparently, Christian’s moment of logic is over, because he says that’s a “fair point well made.” Um, no dickhead. No, it’s not. It is a fucktarded point fucktardedly made.

It is then that we find out why she really signed: she thought it would get her laid.

Jesus jumping rope on a Saltine, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS STUPID SHIT

Christian then wants to show Anastasia his playroom.

DUN DUN DUN… to be continued. Unfortunately.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.”

Good one! Except no. No, it’s not. Idiot.

2. “I wanted to run my fingers through his decadent, untidy hair, but I’d been unable to move my hands. I am retrospectively frustrated.”

I am currently annoyed. Points to the first person who can explain to me how hair can be decadent. Is it hair made out of chocolate? Perhaps it’s velvet? Or maybe it’s hedonistic and exemplifies the decay of civilized society with its loose morals?

3. “Elliot follows him to the car but turns and blows Kate another kiss, and I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy.”

AHA! Fucking called it.

4. “After all this time (read: less than a week), am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently.”

Okay, this “inner goddess” bullshit is definitely gonna put me in a baby-punching mood.

5. “He nods curtly at his driver, and we head into the building, straight to a set of elevators. Elevator!”

6. “And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of Company property.”

Surely it must be! Someone should tell the CEO! …Oh, wait.

7. “His look is so intense, half in shadow and half in bright white light from the landing lights. Dark knight and white knight, it’s a fitting metaphor for Christian.”

I do so love when authors point out their metaphors for me because I’m stupid and couldn’t possibly be trusted to find them myself. Also: no, it’s not.

8. “He drags me over to an elevator shaft (reviewer: quick, asshole, push her in!) and, after tapping a number into a keypad, the doors open. It’s warm inside and all mirrored glass. I can see Christian to infinity (reviewer: and beyond?) everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is, he’s holding me to infinity too.”

Oh, Anastasia. Do shut up.

9. “Room is the wrong word. It’s not a room—it’s a mission statement.”

10. “But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. ‘You want to play on your Xbox?’ I ask.”

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status.”

 

Christian Grey, Smooth Talker

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

Great. Since I have a hangover, I have something in common with Anastasia now.

 

So after Anastasia’s bender the night before, Señor Creepstalker (not to be confused with Señor Fuckface—that’s José) takes her back to his suite at the Heathman Hotel. He was even nice enough to undress her and tuck her in. Oh, and he gave her orange juice and Advil.

By the way, Anastasia is freakishly into orange juice:

“The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth.”

Anastasia, pictured here:

After the inexplicable orange juice commercial, a freshly worked-out Christian walks in to the room, which—of course. Anastasia admires his sweat pants “that hang, in that way, off his hips” and has to compose herself because Christian’s sweat does “odd things” to her. Ew. Also, what way? Does she mean they’re baggy? Baggy pants turn her on? I hereby invite Anastasia to my neighborhood (note: don’t come to my neighborhood, Anastasia).

Anastasia briefly wonders if she and Christian had sex while she was passed out (fyi: that’s rape, Christian, not necrophilia) and when he says no in a naturally douchey way, Anastasia gets pissed that he’s amused at her—I don’t even know why; he wears his doucheyness like a douchey Mexican serape—and calls him out for stalking her like a big stalking stalker.

Then—no lie—Christian fucking Grey calls himself a dark knight.

Christian… pictured here?

 

Okay, look, fucker: I know the Dark Knight. The Dark Knight is a very good friend of mine. You, sir, are no Dark Knight. So

And then, because his prickery has not yet reached critical mass, he tells Anastasia that she’s lucky that he’s scolding her instead of punishing her! Lucky! Fucking lucky!

I’m sorry… did I miss the part where Christian married Anastasia’s mother and became her fucking father? No?

THEN FUCK RIGHT OFF CHRISTIAN IN YOUR NO-DOUBT DOUCHETASTIC FUCKING CAR

Just—where is the part where I fall irrevocably in love with Christian Grey? Because I’ll be honest: it doesn’t look very fucking likely.

At first, Anastasia is as outraged as I am at his presumption, but then her horniness takes over at the thought of being “his” and her brain shrinks two sizes smaller. I’ve had it up to here with this chick’s permissiveness, you guys just don’t know.

Anyway, she finally figures out what desire feels like (*eyeroll*) and muses that Christian is a white knight, which—let me take this opportunity and snort. Bitch, you need to get out more.

She almost masturbates in the shower—if she had, it would’ve made all our lives so much easier—and then puts on brand-new clothes that Christian’s driver/valet/butler/possible future murderer went out to buy her.

“I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has Taylor brought me jeans and new Converse (reviewer’s despair: NOOOOOOOO! You are not allowed to wear Converse! Converse are for cool people!), but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear. Oh my. A clean bra and panties—actually to describe them in such a mundane, utilitarian way does not do them justice. They are an exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear.”

… It’s underwear. Get a fucking grip, lady.

After that, it’s breakfast time!

Breakfast, as so many other things are with these two, is awkward.

Things we learn during breakfast with Christian and Anastasia:

• Anastasia’s hair is very damp.
• Christian Grey buys things because he can.
• Christian Grey doesn’t do romance. (Frankly, I’m shocked.)
• Christian Grey is not celibate. (See above, re: shocked.)
• Kate and Anastasia are moving to Seattle together to continue their romance.
• Christian Grey would like to bite that lip.
• Christian Grey has a helicopter.
• Christian Grey has “an issue” with wasted food.
• Anastasia has a problem with her brain being missing. (Not in the book, just a general observation.)

Anastasia and Christian also negotiate a second “date” in which Anastasia will probably have to sign legal documents. Be still my heart.

After breakfast Anastasia decides to go brush her teeth with Christian Grey’s toothbrush, which actually made me physically ill. I realize it’s not grosser than having someone’s tongue in your mouth, but still… Gross.

And speaking of tongues being in other people’s mouths, the chapter closes with Anastasia and Christian having an admittedly kinda hot first kiss.

… Then Christian talks and ruins the entire thing. As fucking usual.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “ ‘After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,’ he says phlegmatically.”

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH. You can say “calmly.” Or “without emotion.” You don’t have to fucking use a word that you thought was clever in the thesaurus just ‘cause. Especially when that fucking word has “phlegm” in it! Fucking dolt.

2. “ ‘Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet. Secondly, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices, and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,’ he says acidly.”

Firstly, that still makes you a fucking stalker. Secondly, what does your company do?! And thirdly, NO ONE TALKS THIS WAY. No one who was born after 1899 fucking talks this way. WHO ARE YOU?!

3. “ ‘Well, if you were mine (reviewer’s note: Dude.), you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.’”

… I’m sorry, when exactly did this turn into victim-blaming bullshit?

4. “Hmm… young José. I’ll need to face him at some point. ‘José just got out of line.’ I shrug.”

I have never wanted to slap a fictional character as much as I do right now. And what’s with this “young José” fuckery? What are you, ninety?!

5. “He’s the only man who has ever set my blood racing around my body. Yet, he’s so antagonizing, too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing.”

*Antagonistic, you damned twit.

6. “I brusquely towel-dry my hair and try desperately to bring it under control. But, as usual, it refuses to cooperate, and my only option is to restrain it with a hair tie. I shall search in my purse, when I find it.”

Shall you, then?

7. “ ‘I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu.’ He gives me a crooked, apologetic smile. ‘That’s very profligate of you,’ I murmur, bewildered by the choice, though I am hungry.”

See, this is why some people shouldn’t be given access to thesauruses. Thesauri. What the fuck ever. STOP USING WORDS YOU DON’T KNOW. WE CAN ALWAYS TELL. FUCK

8. “ ‘Your hair’s very damp,’ he scolds.”

Well, yeah, she just took a shower, genius. Also, I have now had it with fucking Christian fucking scolding people. Asshole.

9. “Where is he going with all these questions? The Christian Grey Inquisition is almost as irritating as the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition.”

You’re all fucking irritating to me.

10. “ ‘And what’s wrong with my company?’ ‘Your company or your Company?’ I smirk.”

You’re not witty, Anastasia. Stop trying to be witty.

11. “Holy shit. What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some Godforsaken part of the planet?”

12. “I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.”

Also? EWWWWWWWWWW

13. “ ‘You. Are. So. Sweet,’ he murmurs, each word a staccato.”

Don’t use words you don’t understand, please.

14. “Oh, he’s affected, all right—and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”

Fabulous—a new personality.

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly (reviewer’s note: you have GOT to be kidding me) perceived danger. He’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor—a classic romantic hero—Sir Gawain or Lancelot.”

 

Christian Grey, Theology Scholar

“ ‘Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,’ he smirks.”