Don't Panic!: Christian Grey, Mistress of Pain

So Chapter Seven is actually pretty short, but it does contain some hilarity.

When we finished Chapter Six, Anastasia was staring in shock at Christian Grey’s playroom, mostly because her stupid ass thought he meant this:

And she got this:

SURPRISE!

She’s the only one surprised, but hey…

She takes in all the, uh… implements… and still doesn’t blush. Ladies and gentlemen, I think she’s cured! Or in shock. Whatever.

By the way, is it… weird… that I kind of envy Christian’s assortment? I mean, he’s got paddles and whips and chains—oh, my!

Oh, and I love that Anastasia knows what a cat o’nine tails is, but has no idea what sex or masturbation is. Perhaps this is a match made in make-me-puke heaven.

But no, it isn’t… Because Anastasia is annoyingly judgey, and while I don’t know what’s up with Christian yet, I hate hate hate that she calls him a freak (or “freaky.” Whatever) and makes all these assumptions about people who subscribe to this kind of lifestyle. I see you there hiding behind your dumbass protagonist, James, and FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

Anastasia finally snaps out of her—I don’t know, is it catatonia?—and asks Christian what da fuck’s up with this lovely room of pain, and Christian comes out of the dungeon—so to speak—as a Dom (that’s clickable, by the way. So’s this). He tells her that he wants to play with her, and that he wants her to please him. Slightly douchey way of putting it, but hey—that’s Christian, baby. He’s an experience.

He then mentions that there are rules. And yes, there are rules. Always. This is supposed to be fun, not scary… I’ve heard.

Anyway, the deal’s this: Christian gets Anastasia as a sub, and Anastasia gets to ride the Christian train to Pleasure Town. Simple, right?

He then shows her what would be her room if she accepts, then does that thing where he tells her she has to eat. They go back downstairs and Christian offers to answer any questions Anastasia might have. Which is nice, sure, but… I mean, she can’t just ask him. I mean, she should research pretty fucking thoroughly—especially since she’s… I don’t wanna say “dim.” Actually, I do wanna say “dim.”

Things we find out in the Q&A session:

Christian fucking loves paperwork.
Christian has a housekeeper named Mrs. Jones. (Great. Now I have “Me and Mrs. Jones” in my head.)
Anastasia will eat.
Anastasia will hang on to her free will for a bit longer, if that’s okay with Christian.
Christian has had fifteen women.
Christian will punish Anastasia when she requires it, and it will be painful.
Christian has been beaten.

It is at this point that Christian takes Anastasia into the study and hands her a copy of the rules (which are subject to change—like event times or work schedules) and a contract, which he orders her to read (don’t worry, I’ll include some of them in my brand new sub-heading).

Anastasia begins to negotiate (this is so romantic, you guys, you have no idea) some of the rules and then we get to Christian’s hard limits. Hehe, “hard.” …Yes, I am twelve.

He then asks Anastasia if she would like to add anything to the list of hard limits, and this is when Christian finds out that Anastasia’s a virgin. And then, further proof that Christian is a cockface:

“ ‘You’re a virgin?’ he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me. ‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?’ he growls.”

… Because it’s none of your fucking business, fuckface, and you’ve only known each other a few days. Am I the only one who even remembers that?!

Ugh. Christian gives me murdery feelings.

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “Sleep:

The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant.”

Um… okay? What if she’s an insomniac? What if she’s narcoleptic? What if she sleeps upside down like a bat and has to wake up when all the blood rushes to her head?

2. “Food:

The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit.”

(LOVE that that says “ew moon,” by the way. GOOD.)

3. “Personal Safety:

The Submissive will not drink to excess (reviewer: Welp… I’m out), smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any unnecessary danger.”

Um… Did Christian forget that he’s courting Miss Walks Out Into Traffic Randomly?!

4. “Hard Limits

No acts involving fire play

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof

No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood

No acts involving gynecological medical instruments

No acts involving children or animals

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin

No acts involving breath control”

…I’ll remember that “no blood” thing.

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “Okay, I understand the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by the soft-boudoir-Elizabethan-torture set up.”

… She does this to annoy me, right? This whole describe-things-with-unnecessary-hyphenation thing?

2. “Kate had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know?”

She has eyes.

3. “ ‘No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with drink.’ His eyes are reprimanding.”

Hey, Christian?

4. “This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Christian, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whip and chains in a special room.”

How’s that judging thing working out for you, fuckknuckle? Good? Great.

5. “ ‘I’m not sure about accepting money for clothes. It feels wrong.’ I shift uncomfortably, the word ‘ho’ rattling round my head.”

That feels wrong? Seriously?

And hey, fuck you for that “ho” comment.

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation.”

… No, it’s not. Also?