Sunday, November 18, 2012

Uh, I took a break, and… I’m ready to come back now.


I find myself having to apologize again for disappearing. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s just really very easy to just stop reading shitty books because it’s what I do when I’m not reviewing them for the pleasure of my no-doubt vast fanbase.

You—you guys are a vast fanbase, right? Lie to me if you must.


I believe we’re on Chapter Thirteen, yes? Okay. Let’s continue.

When we left off, Anastardia had just emailed His Royal Doucheness her list of issues with his contract. And she had pretty good issues, I must admit. When we begin this chapter, she’s worrying that actually asserting herself means she scared him off. You and I see a blessing, this stupid twit worries. Not even surprised, to be honest.

Anyway, she calls her mom for some drive-by comfort, and then we start the email shit again:

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Your Issues

Date: May 24 2011 01:27

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive.

submissive [suhb-mis-iv] – adjective

1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.

2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Origin: 1580-90; submiss + –ive

Synonyms: 1. tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2. passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued. Antonyms: 1. rebellious, disobedient.

Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”


From: V

Subject: Planning To Kill You Slowly And With Great Relish

Date: November 18 2012 17:08

To: Christian Grey

Dear Unimaginable Shitstain,

After reading your email, I also wanted to review an entry in the dictionary that applies to the situation, specifically with regard to your smug reply to Anastasia’s legitimate concerns with your contract (especially considering her ignorance of sexual subcultures):

asshole [ass-hohl] – noun, vulgar slang

1. the anus: sometimes I wonder just how far I can ram my boot up your asshole.

2. a detestable person; what you fucking are: you are the RULER of assholes—the Asshole King.

Origin: mid-1930s (for #2); ass + hole

Synonyms: 1. arsehole, bunghole, arse. 2. dickhead, motherfucker, prick, bastard, son of a bitch, whoreson, cocksucker, SOB, shit, doucheknight, fuckwit, cockface, Christian Grey. Antonyms: 2. Almost any guy who is not Christian Grey.

Please fuck off and drown in shit or something.


Blogger, Don’t Panic


Anastasia, of course, is just relieved that he’s given her a response at all because she is my punishment for something. She sends him an email defining “compromise,” which only serves to convince me that they are both cockfaces, and what follows is an interminable fucking exchange of emails with what I guess is supposed to be witty repartee.


It’s not, though. It never is.

After that, there’s a call to Ray. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to accomplish because it’s a paragraph long with no dialogue and Anastasia’s worthless musings, but it’s there. Then there is Kate/Anastasia bonding that doesn’t lead to the sex that they both want. I am 99.98% convinced that this series exists solely because Kate and Anastasia insist on suppressing their romantic feelings for each other.

The next day, Paul is back. It took me a bit to remember that Paul is another one of Anastasia’s stalkers (she collects them like Magic: The Gathering cards, apparently); the one who’s her boss’ brother. He spends the day following Anastasia around work asking her for a date.

When she says she already has a date, he accuses her of trying to avoid him. Gee, I wonder why she’d want to do that to such a Nice Guy.

Anyway, then she tells him that the date is with Christian Grey, and Paul is so surprised that he gives up harassing Anastasia. And she resents that he does. As does her inner goddess.

Leave it to dumbass to resent someone not harassing her.

Well, she resents that he finds it so surprising that Christian Grey would date her, but I don’t give a fuck. HE IS LEAVING YOU ALONE GET OVER THE EGO PRINCESS


Also? Christian Grey is not a prize. Just FYI.

After work, Anastasia rushes home to get ready for her date. She has to borrow clothes from Kate because clothes are not her “thing.” What the fuck ever, Anastasia. She also shaves her legs and underarms again, which—what? How quick does her hair grow?! It’s been like, what? Two days? Three? Why am I even thinking about this? Let’s just… Let’s move on.

We’ll skip to when Anastasia gets to the hotel.

Christian approves of Anastasia wearing a dress and actually lets Anastasia order what she wants to drink, for once.

They admit to each other that they’re nervous and then it’s down to sexy business. Well… it’s down to business.

The first thing she mentions is that the contract is legally unenforceable, which everyone but her knew already. It leads Christian to state that she doesn’t think highly of him at all, which duh. None of us do, Christian. Refer to the definition I applied to you above.

Then he says that this whole thing boils down to trust. Which is true, generally. He asks Anastasia if she trusts him, and Anastasia asks if he’s had this conversation with “the fifteen.” He says no, because they were all more knowledgeable about this kind of relationship, and then Anastasia asks if there’s a store where he gets these women.

I…kinda hate Anastasia? I don’t know if it was clear before, but I do.

Anyway, Christian then stirs the conversation back to the main point, which is if Anastasia’s hungry or not.

Yay, we’re back to that shit again.

She says “no,” which to Christian somehow means “yes,” and he gives her the option of eating in his suite or in a private dining room that he’s reserved.

He’s also already ordered (and there goes my hope that maybe he’d learned something), and then it’s once again time for the contract stuff. Christian pulls out a copy of the email she sent outlining her issues and goes through them one by one.

He concedes Clause 2 (whose benefit this whole thing is for), and then addresses his sexual health (he takes blood tests every six months and insists on the same for previous sex partners) and drug history. He’s “vehemently anti-drugs,” has a no-tolerance policy for all employees, and insists on random drug testing. I’m not sure if he’s implying that Anastasia would count as an employee under the contract, but it’s kinda what it sounds like? I don’t know. Whatever.

He then says that she’s free to get out whenever she wants, but that if she does, that’s it. She does not pass Go and she does not collect $200.

At this point, Christian’s order arrives, and it’s oysters. Ugh. It fucking figures. Cold, slimy things. How fitting.

After a lesson in how to eat the damn things (“All you do is tip and swallow. I think you can manage that”), it’s back to the contract.

Christian still wants Anastasia to obey him in all things—nay, needs her to. Anastasia is reluctant because she’s worried he’ll hurt her. He reassures her he wouldn’t go beyond any limit she sets, but Anastasia reminds him that he admitted once he’d hurt someone. When she asks how, we get this:

“I suspended them from my playroom ceiling. In fact, that’s one of your questions. Suspension—that’s what the karabiners are for in the playroom. Rope play. One of the ropes was tied too tightly.”

Someone explain to me how this does not imply that Christian Grey hanged some poor soul. I’ll wait.

We don’t get confirmation on that because it’s a little too real for Anastasia, and they agree to make suspension a hard limit.

After that, it’s time for a discussion of terms. Christian says that one month is too short and asks for three, and offers one weeknight and one weekend night a month to be all hers.

It’s not clear if Anastasia’s totally cool with the three month thing, but what is clear is that she’s been pounding the wine a wee bit hard. She’s been drinking pretty much the whole time, and she’d already admitted that she hadn’t eaten anything that day. It shows, too, because she feels “railroaded” and her mind wanders during a speech Christian gives on ownership terminology.

Christian notices and asks her if she’s still with him, then asks if she’d like… more wine.

Thankfully, Anastasia asks for water instead.

Christian notes that Anastasia has been very quiet, and then he gives her a mini-lecture on pleasure and pain and how they’re two sides of the same coin and blahdee blah blah does it make you horny?

Anyway, he once again asks if she trusts him and she says she does. WHY. WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO INSPIRE TRUST?!

The food gets there, and they talk about the rules next.

Anastasia doesn’t budge on the food thing (I wouldn’t, either) and Christian concedes that and the sleep thing. He then explains away the not looking at him thing as a “Dom/sub thing” and replies “because you can’t” when Anastasia asks him why she can’t touch him.

Anastasia asks if it’s because of Mrs. Robinson (hating that nickname, by the way), and Christian says that it’s not, and that Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of that shit from him. Which leads me to wonder why he would expect Anastasia to, but then I remember how easily manipulated Anastasia is and I’m done wondering.

Apparently the No Masturbation Clause stays, and then Anastasia doesn’t feel like talking over the soft limits during dinner because she has a lot of shit to think about. Christian takes that as some sort of invitation to sex and suggests that Anastasia be dessert, and Anastasia points out that Christian uses sex as a weapon and that it’s unfair.

Why she can’t always be this aware fucking eludes me.

Christian agrees that he uses sex as a weapon:

“You’re right. I do. In life you use what you know, Anastasia. Doesn’t change how much I want you. Here. Now.”

The Point and Christian have apparently never met as they reside in different fucking time zones.

He doubles down on this douchery, by the way, by pointing out that Anastasia wouldn’t even have to think about stuff if she were his sub because he’d take care of it.

To recap: Christian Grey wants someone who doesn’t think or makes decision at all. Yeah, that’s super-sexy. My panties=currently soaked. This is the perfect man, y’all. I have finally found him. I can’t even tell you how relieved my lady-brain is right now.

They then tease each other sexually while I contemplate going on a murder spree before holing up in a bunker waiting for the FBI to fatally capture me, and then, suddenly, Anastasia decides to leave.

Christian tries to make her stay, worries that this is goodbye (fuck, if only), then insults her car.

Anastasia declines, avoids confirming that this is goodbye, then cries on the way home.

She admits that Christian isn’t really offering what she wants and worries that she’d be investing three months into something that may not pay off. She wonders if it’s best that she just fold her cards now and save herself the not-inconsiderable trouble, to which I say

She gets home and there’s an email waiting from Pushy McPusherton, CEO of Pushiness, Inc., which makes Anastasia falter and wonder if maybe they can make it work…


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

Not much this go-round, but I’ll add this one:

“The ownership thing, that’s just terminology and goes back to the principle of obeying. It’s to get you into the right frame of mind, to understand where I’m coming from. And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, any time, any way, I want—anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me. But I know you’ve not done this before. Initially, we’ll take it slowly, and I will help you. We’ll build up to various scenarios. I want you to trust me, but I know I have to earn your trust, and I will. The ‘or otherwise’—again it’s to help you get into the mindset, it means anything goes.”

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT. I don’t trust this guy at all.


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “My mom is oozing (reviewer: ew) contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he’s as accident-prone as I am. He’s expected to make a full recovery, but it means he’s resting up, and my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot.”

…She’s not the one with the injury, genius.

2. “Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the email program.”

Don’t call it that. It’s a laptop. A fucking laptop.

3. “I rarely wear make-up—it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up—maybe I’d know more about it if they had.”

You mean the one heroine you’ve mentioned over and over? Don’t make it like you’ve read anything besides Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Also, things that intimidate Anastasia: (a) underwear, (b) kitchen cabinets, and (c) make-up.

4. “Making a supreme effort not to bite my lip, I move forward aware that I, Anastasia Steele of Clumsyville, am in high stilettos.”

…God, I hope you trip and stab yourself in the neck with one.

5. “I reach across and pick up my first ever oyster. Okay… here goes nothing.”

Please choke.

6. “The waiter re-emerges with our entrees: black cod, asparagus, and crushed potatoes with a hollandaise sauce. I have never felt less like food.”

So… you usually feel like food? What kind? Turnips?

7. “ ‘I hope you feel like fish,’ Christian says mildly.”

..That’s what she said.

8. “ ‘If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy.’ His voice is soft, seductive. ‘All those decisions—all the wearying thought processes behind them. The—is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now? You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom.’”

So… yeah. That happened. Thought I was kidding, didn’tcha?

9. “ ‘And right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.’”

Christian Grey, pictured here:

10. “Christian stands automatically, revealing years of ingrained civility.”

Were they—were they in his pants?

11. “As I undress, I wake up the mean machine and sitting in my inbox is a message from Christian.”



Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“I flush and stare down at my hands. That’s what I’m hindered by in this game of seduction. He’s the only one who knows and understands the rules (reviewer: that’s ‘cause he’s making them up… just FYI). I’m just too naïve and inexperienced. My only sphere of reference is Kate, and she doesn’t take any shit from men (reviewer: HOW IS THIS A BAD THING?!). My other references are all fictional: Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged, Jane Eyre too frightened, and Tess would succumb, just as I have.”


Christian Grey, Orgasm Regulator

“ ‘No. And I don’t want you touching yourself, either.’

What? Ah yes, the no masturbation clause.

‘Out of curiosity… why?’

‘Because I want all your pleasure,’ his voice is husky, but determined.’”





  1. "I have never felt less like food."

    ...what? WHAT!? Does she randomly wake up feeling like a bar of chocolate? When she crosses the street, does she go all "MAN, I FEEL LIKE A LETTUCE!"? I just... I can't.

    And I still wonder how the fuck she was putting songs on her iPod without that MEAN MACHINE that apparently doesn't have a name in English yet.

    The best thing about this chapter was your email to Mr. Asshole. Someone should add that into the book. STAT.

    Anyway, what scares me the most is that she's so stupid that she might benefit from the whole "I'll make all the decisions for you" thing. She can't even cross the street by herself...

    1. I don't know, I just... don't. She should obviously not be trusted to leave the house unsupervised but does she really deserve Christian Grey?


      I wish I could strangle fictional characters.

    2. I blame Kate. If only she'd lock the door, I don't think Anastasia would know how to unlock it. Also, since clothes aren't her thing, I'm just going to assume she walks around their apartment naked at all times. Damn, Kate. Just do something already.

    3. Yes. Kate needs to get her shit together. Someone has to!

  2. Your letter. Just. Best thing ever. Just. Yes.

    Also, just when we had hope this all could end ... another fucking email.

    Also I adore you. Every last bit.

    1. Also, this:

      "10. “Christian stands automatically, revealing years of ingrained civility.”

      Were they—were they in his pants?"

    2. Damn that email. >:(

      And I adore you right back!

  3. Yay, another review! I loved it and I loved your email and I love you. :)


    “Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the email program.”

    ^This right here is how you can tell a 40 year old house wife wrote this. Does Ana also check "the Facebook" on the "interwebs"? I mean really, "fire up the email program"? Just say "I checked my email."

    And what is "mean machine" supposed to mean anyways? Did the laptop insult her? :|

    1. I don't know, it drives me batty. Argh. Just--how hard is it to say "I turned on my laptop"? It doesn't need to be witty. And if it's a nickname, then it's a shitty nickname.

      Die in a fire, James.

    2. Oh but Anastasia Rose Steele is so witty and bright and smart and beautiful and perfect and special to speak normally. *eye roll*