Want you to make me feel like I’m the only douche in the world!

 

So while Christian deals with his “double exasperation” at Anastasia’s virginity, Anastasia seems to grow a brain for all of two seconds and reminds Christian that they hardly know each other and thus, she wasn’t obligated to reveal her sexual history (or lack thereof) at first meet.

There’s hope for the girl yet, folks. Not much, of course, but still… Some.

Christian, however, having near-toxic levels of asshole in his body, uses the word “virgin” as some kind of insult and basically makes all the virgins reading this book feel like defective products or something.

Whatta guy.

Then Christian calls Anastasia beautiful as part of the reason why he’s being such a jackhole about things, and Anastasia loses the thread and basks in the compliment, completely missing the part where he’s implying there must be something wrong with her because she hasn’t had sex yet.

Christian, I will now ask you to familiarize yourself with the Die In All The Fires exit procedure. Anastasia, you may accompany him.

Clearly, this whole “virginity” thing is a problem, and then, of course, Anastasia bites her lip, so Christian decides to “rectify the situation.”

… Rectify away, Christian. Good luck.

Anastasia: “ ‘What do you mean? What situation?’”

Christian: “ ‘Your situation (reviewer: I’m picturing him curling his upper lip in disgust here, but YMMV). Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.’”

Me: How romantic. *continues filing nails*

…Seriously? I mean, that’s what women want? Some random cockburger to make you feel like some sort of freak and then to decide to “fix” it without your input at all? Sorry. Some rich random cockburger. My mistake.

Hey: GET BETTER FANTASIES.

Oh, but then, folks…. THEN. Shit gets real. Because Christian prepares to rock Anastasia’s world.

Unfortunately, he has to narrate the entire thing, which totally takes me out of the mood. It would be a lot better for me if you didn’t talk, Christian.

Things we learn from Christian Grey’s narration:

• He wants to bite that lip.
• He wants to kiss every inch of Anastasia’s beautiful, pale, flawless skin.
• He likes brunettes. (Yippee. I can die happy now.)
• Anastasia smells so good.
• Anastasia Steele is very beautiful, and he can’t wait to be inside her.
• (By the way, he’s the only one speaking at this point. She’s been turned into some kind of mute by his fuckspell.)
• He wants to see how Anastasia makes herself come (which she doesn’t. SHE-FUCKING-NANIGANS).
• (Also, there you have it, folks: not masturbating makes you dumb. Adjust life accordingly.)
• We’re gonna have to work on keeping Anastasia still.
• Anastasia (by which he means her tits) fits his hand perfectly.
• Anastasia is very responsive, and it is going to be fun teaching her how to control that. (Somehow I doubt that.)
• (I’m not even halfway done, you guys… This fucker just will not. Shut. Up.)

… I can’t even continue this, ‘cause it would be the entire review. He doesn’t even really talk dirty, it’s just obvious shit. Actually, let me demonstrate:

“ ‘Pull your knees up,’ he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. ‘I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,’ he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.”

“I’m going to fuck you now”?! Seriously. I didn’t even know that needed a special announcement. He should probably hire trumpeters and stuff so that they can play a fanfare.

Oh, and? Can we just take a moment and explore how fucking strange it is to call it “my sex”?

I just—okay, look. He’s not positioning the “head of his erection” (can you see my none-face? I bet you can) at the entrance of your female, he’s positioning it at the entrance of your vagina. Or pussy. If you can say “fuck,” you can say “pussy.” Fucking hell.

After the, uh, positioning is done, Christian—fine gentleman that he is—rips through Anastasia’s virginity.

REALLY, ASSHOLE?!

Oh, but because His Douchesty is the douchiest, after he makes it the most painful initiation to sex ever, he stops and looks down at Anastasia, his eyes “bright with ecstatic triumph.”

I just—I can’t. I have lost the ability to can with this goddamn book.

It’s only after he’s done with his little moment of victory that he thinks to ask Anastasia if she’s okay. Now, if Anastasia were an actual person, she’d need a little more time to get used to Monsieur Jackhammer, but since people don’t act like people on Planet Fucktardia, she’s totally cool, bro, and they finish.

For the record, at no point was I even close to being aroused by this sex scene, and if I had, that whole ripping thing would’ve taken me right the fuck out of the mood. Just… ouch.

After that, Anastasia wants to do it again (HOW?!), which means Christian’s back to narrating.

“ ‘So you want me to fuck you again?’ he whispers in my ear, and he begins to trail feather light kisses around my ear and down my neck.”

This time, they do it doggy-style, but he does it really slow this time, which—yay, I guess. At least he’s capable of being a considerate lover. Too bad he couldn’t do that when he ripped through her fucking hymen.

Anyway, this sex scene is a bit better, but still not hot ‘cause Christian still won’t shut the fuck up and let me pretend he’s someone else.

After that, Anastasia passes out and I unclench my thighs a little.

When she wakes up, she goes wandering around the Douche Mansion and finds Christian playing the piano because he’s a ~sensitive soul~. He then dusts off his Pretentious Asshat award and tell us that he was playing Transcription, by Bach, but that it was originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.

Just say “yes, it’s Bach,” and leave it at that, for fuck’s sake. Jesus.

Anyway, then he orders Anastasia to bed, where they notice blood on the sheets.

Anastasia’s reaction: “I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.”

Christian’s reaction: “ ‘Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about.’”

My reaction: You need to give Mrs. Jones a fucking raise.

 

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “Christian Grey’s feet… wow… what is it about naked feet?”

I honestly have no idea. What about naked feet?

2. “My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending in my body so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony.”

Nope. See, this is why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed thesauruses. Different words have different connotations, dumbass, so “brunt” is not the same thing as say, “attention,” or “focus.” Just… you know what? Just stop writing.

3. “He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no… Will it? How?”

Okay. Has this chick ever taken a Biology course? Sex Ed? Health? Kids in Junior High know “how,” for god’s sake.

4. “ ‘Open your mouth,’ he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly. ‘See how you taste,’ he breathes against my ear. ‘Suck me, baby.’ His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.”

So to recap: you are sucking your virgin blood off Christian Grey’s thumb…

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1.  “His brows knit together. ‘How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.’”

I know, right? Especially when sex is lurking in every dark shadow, biding its time. I mean, they even give you free sex in Happy Meals! Oh, and at work, when you punch in and they just expect you to sex right there. There’s no way to escape!

Also? I love that his brows knit together. Such a fun togetherness activity.

2. “ ‘No one’s really, you know.’ Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be some kind of monster.”

What is this sentence?! Is that even technically English?

Also, off is the direction in which I wish you would fuck, Anastasia.

3. “I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I’m going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey.”

I’m sorry—how old are you?

4. “He opens the top drawer of the chest and removes a packet of condoms. He gazes at me intently. ‘Be prepared,’ he murmurs. ‘Do you want the blinds drawn?’”

Great, now I have that song stuck in my head. Now you will, too:

Stick with Christian, and you’ll never be horny again!

5. “I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body.”

Clearly, since you seem to have forgotten basic punctuation.

6. “He blows very gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.”

Ew, like Stretch Armstrong?!

7. “My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me.”

Anastasia’s body, pictured here:

I am amused, however, by the image of sweat gathering and then hovering over her body… Like when the T-1000 melted and came together.

8. “Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”

9. “ ‘We’re going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,’ he breathes.”

Real and slow. Got it. Note: CHECK COMMA USE

10. “ ‘You. Are. So. Sweet,’ he murmurs between each thrust. ‘I. Want. You. So. Much.’”

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

11. “ ‘You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,’ he growls.”

12. “ ‘Fuck. Ana,’ he breathes.”

… You just did. Twice.

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted, my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”

So much… just so much fail here.

Anastasia,

 

Christian Grey, Patronizing Granny

“ ‘And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two.”

Christian, pictured here:

When are you gonna get married, dearie?