We need to get some money together so that we can buy Anastasia a clue, ‘cause… Damn.

 

So… yeah. They kissed and shit. It was glorious in the way that’s… not.

Anyway, Chapter Six in Fifty Shades of Douche starts with Christian about to drive Anastasia home. Anastasia feels like a big girl now ‘cause she got kissed, whereas Christian is his normal, prickish self.

This confuses Anastasia, of course, because I don’t think there are pricks on the planet she comes from. Yes, I also mean “prick” as in “penis.”

Hey, guys, this is Christian’s car:

This is Christian’s driving music:

The comments on this video are fucking depressing, by the way.

Christian, on his musical taste:

“My taste is eclectic, Anastasia, everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon. It depends on my mood(read: I listen to Creed).”

And, when Anastasia says she’s never heard of Thomas Tallis (no one has, sweetie): “I’ll play it for you sometime. He’s a sixteenth century British composer. Tudor, church choral music.”

Congratulations, Christian! You win a prize!

After he’s done impressing Anastasia with the car commercial music, he puts on Kings of Leon. Personally, I think he just wants to impress her with all the buttons he can press.

Christian, pictured here:

He presses a few more buttons when he gets like, three phone calls in a row—he’s a very important man, don’tcha know—and we learn that “the NDA” was emailed to him and that Christian’s brother Elliot is a lot more likable than Christian himself—not that that’s a huge achievement or nothin’, I’m just sayin’.

After that, Anastasia tells Christian that she prefers to be called “Ana” (tough titties, shitbrick) and Christian deliberately ignores her. Because he’s a great guy. Also, he controls everything. If you didn’t know from the seventy billion times Anastasia says it, then you do now.

He then informs her that kissing like what happened in the elevator won’t happen unless it’s “premeditated,” which leads me to believe that making out with Christian requires strategy meetings with maps and shit, like when you’re gonna invade a country.

Second Base with Christian:

They arrive at Anastasia and Kate’s apartment, then walk in to find a happy morning-after Kate and Elliot.

Elliot continues to be warm and friendly, hugging Anastasia hello and deflating his brother’s doucheballoon a little (fuck you, spellcheck. If I want to make “doucheballoon” a word, I will, dammit).

Elliot gives Kate a fantastic goodbye kiss while Anastasia seethes with jealousy, then tries to pretend it’s ‘cause Christian doesn’t kiss her the same way.

Elliot finishes his kiss with a “laters, baby,” which is sort of kind of cute, but then Christian tries to say it, too, and it just ruins it.

Fucking Christian is a life-ruiner.

So the brothers leave, and Kate asks if Anastasia got laid, too. Anastasia says no (actually, she snaps at Kate because she’s obviously still jealous of Elliot), but then says that she’ll have another chance at Dat Ass later that night.

Kate offers to get Anastasia all prettied up for her date and—wait a minute. I thought Christian was “dangerous,” Kate? And that you didn’t trust him?

I think E.L. James skipped the “character consistency” chapter in Writing Shitty Fanfic for Dummies.

Anyway, Anastasia goes to work, and blah blah blah oops, it’s time for Christian to pick her up.

He asks her how her day was, though clearly not a one of us—including Christian—really care, and mentions that he went hiking with Elliot.

Then we find out that Anastasia has no idea how helicopters work, is distracted by elevators ‘cause Christian kissed her in one, and that she doesn’t get the concept of “owning a company.”

Christian gets all creepy when he secures Anastasia’s safety harness, saying that she’s secure and that there’s “no escaping” and adding that he likes this harness.

WARNING

 

He then assures her that she’s safe with him… while they’re flying, anyway.

 

Anyway, Christian explains how helicopters fly at night (because as we all know, Anastasia is painfully stupid), then admits that she is the first woman he let in his newfangled flying machine. Anastasia is predictably flattered.

Then Anastasia muses that Seattle looks like a set from Blade Runner (or, as she puts it, Bladerunner), which is José’s favorite movie. She then feels a little cruel for not calling José back even though she’s not obligated to and even though he was a fuckface who deserves to be punished.

Soon after this Christian lands the helicopter safely (dammit) and he assures Anastasia that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s a strange time to say it, but cool. This is good. You’re right, Christian.

Of course, Anastasia being the dumbass that she is, tells Christian that she’d never do anything she didn’t want to while admitting to herself that she’d probably do anything for him anyway.

A man who she met—what? Three, four days ago? A man who treats her like an idiot child and who passed Stalking 101 with flying colors. A man she knows nothing about.

Then it’s time for a tour of Christian’s home/lair!

Anastasia describes it all, but I won’t repeat it because I value the sanity I have left. It’s big and douchey. ‘Nuff said.

Oh, and there’s a piano.

And it all makes Anastasia horny, too, though she surprisingly doesn’t blush once. I think maybe we’re making progress!

After a talk about Tess of the Urbervilles (seriously, is that the only book this bitch has ever read?!) and how there’s a parallel between it and this, the romance of the ages, Christian fetches the non-disclosure agreement.

It states that she can never say anything about her “relationship” with Christian to anyone. Not one thing.

… I don’t know about you, but I’d be out of that fucking Douche Palace so fast it would look like I teleported.

Anastasia, however, signs immediately. I-fucking-mmediately. She doesn’t even read it. Even after Christian correctly points out that you should never sign something you haven’t read first.

I just… Wh—WHAT THE FUCK.

She says it’s because she wouldn’t say anything to anyone anyway so it doesn’t matter if she signs or not (her stupidity is giving me heartburn. Not even kidding).

And apparently, Christian’s moment of logic is over, because he says that’s a “fair point well made.” Um, no dickhead. No, it’s not. It is a fucktarded point fucktardedly made.

It is then that we find out why she really signed: she thought it would get her laid.

Jesus jumping rope on a Saltine, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS STUPID SHIT

Christian then wants to show Anastasia his playroom.

DUN DUN DUN… to be continued. Unfortunately.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.”

Good one! Except no. No, it’s not. Idiot.

2. “I wanted to run my fingers through his decadent, untidy hair, but I’d been unable to move my hands. I am retrospectively frustrated.”

I am currently annoyed. Points to the first person who can explain to me how hair can be decadent. Is it hair made out of chocolate? Perhaps it’s velvet? Or maybe it’s hedonistic and exemplifies the decay of civilized society with its loose morals?

3. “Elliot follows him to the car but turns and blows Kate another kiss, and I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy.”

AHA! Fucking called it.

4. “After all this time (read: less than a week), am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently.”

Okay, this “inner goddess” bullshit is definitely gonna put me in a baby-punching mood.

5. “He nods curtly at his driver, and we head into the building, straight to a set of elevators. Elevator!”

6. “And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of Company property.”

Surely it must be! Someone should tell the CEO! …Oh, wait.

7. “His look is so intense, half in shadow and half in bright white light from the landing lights. Dark knight and white knight, it’s a fitting metaphor for Christian.”

I do so love when authors point out their metaphors for me because I’m stupid and couldn’t possibly be trusted to find them myself. Also: no, it’s not.

8. “He drags me over to an elevator shaft (reviewer: quick, asshole, push her in!) and, after tapping a number into a keypad, the doors open. It’s warm inside and all mirrored glass. I can see Christian to infinity (reviewer: and beyond?) everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is, he’s holding me to infinity too.”

Oh, Anastasia. Do shut up.

9. “Room is the wrong word. It’s not a room—it’s a mission statement.”

10. “But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. ‘You want to play on your Xbox?’ I ask.”

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status.”

 

Christian Grey, Smooth Talker

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”