Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Still trying to figure out what the fuck “humored horror” means, to be honest…


So at the end of Chapter Nine, we left Christian doing whatever that phrase actually means at the thought of his mother dropping by unannounced.

He recovers quickly, though, and tells Anastasia to get dressed so that she could meet his mother.

Um, what? Let’s go back and count the days that these people have known each other. There’s Interview Day, Stalk Your Prey at Work Day, Awkward Coffee Date Day, Drunk Day, Hangover Day, and now Get Rid of Your Freakish Virginity Day. That’s… six days. Six days of actual interaction between these two. And he wants her to meet his mother?!

I mean, especially in this… situation where you just fucked this chick’s brains out (assuming she had any, which there is no concrete evidence on, and I’ll stop writing in italics now).

Oh, and! And he wants her to wear his clothes when she meets his mom, because why not make things as obvious as all hell at this point? Hey, why not just let your mom walk in and see the bloody sheets, too, Christian? Let’s go all the way here.

Anastasia sees nothing much wrong with this scenario because

  • Christian called her beautiful again.
  • She might be able to figure out what fucked up Christian so badly that he’s into kink (god, I hate this woman).
  • And she’s criminally stupid. Criminally.

I mean, okay, some relationships move fast—that’s fine. This one? Isn’t even a relationship. It’s some kind of joke played on me by vengeful gods.

Anyway, dumbass borrows Christian’s underwear and gets dressed and braves the Douche’s Lair to meet Mama Grey.

Doctor Trevelyan actually seems decent, for the little we see of her, but the meeting is cut short because Anastasia answers her cell phone in the middle of it.

Doctor T excuses herself, realizing her original plan of having lunch with her son has been preempted by some rude bitch in wrinkled clothes, and we’re back to our regularly scheduled Christian Being A Dick program.

Why, you ask? Well, gentle readers… Dickery is pretty much Christian’s raison d’être. In the book, it’s because José was the one calling Anastasia earlier. While I do agree that José is an ass, I kind of have to point out that that’s not Anastasia’s fault, so being pissed at her for picking up a call that just happened to be from a creeper is—all together now—dickish.

There’s something here about shipments to Darfur being delayed, but since it’s a transparent ploy to make me believe Christian’s existence is necessary and useful, I don’t care. Oh, but Christian finally hands the contract to Anastasia, in what is probably the most romantic way I’ve ever seen someone hand someone else a contract dictating the rules of their relationship:

“He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. ‘This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved.’”

Guys. Guys. Are you swooning or are you swooning?

Then Anastasia reveals she doesn’t have a computer, which is fucking ridiculous. This is getting fucking ridiculous now. She’s a college student for fuck’s sake. My 13-year old cousin has a Mac.

Even if I accept that she’s made it through college without a computer or laptop, there must be some sort of program where they loan laptops at her college, or hell, libraries! They exist!

Whatever, I don’t even know why I fucking try with this book.

Christian offers—actually, he kind of tells—Anastasia that he’ll drive her back to Portland and get some lunch on the way. Anastasia tells him that she has to make a call, and that’s Christian’s cue to expel douche:

“ ‘The photographer?’ His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. ‘I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.’”

I bet you were the most popular kid in preschool, Christian.

After that, it’s time to get the wagons rolling, and Anastasia mentions something that I’ve been fuming over for ages now: she needs to ask questions about sex, and she can’t just get all her answers from Christian. Since she apparently grew up in a place where Sex Ed (or sex, for that matter) doesn’t exist, she figures she needs to talk to Kate. Christian graciously allows her to talk to her own best friend/secret crush, but adds a rider: she can only talk about things they have already done, and not at all about the things he wants to do to her.

Gosh, thank you, Christian! I hope you didn’t strain anything bending so far backwards! Your generosity truly knows no bounds!

Anastasia agrees (I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING CAPITULATIONS), and Christian adds that the sooner he has her “submission,” the better, because then we can stop this whole equal-say-in-the-relationship thing—only he calls it “defying” him.

Gotta keep that bitch in line, amirite?

Hey, Christian—I just met you, and this is crazy… But you’re an asshole, so fuck off, maybe.

Anastasia has a weird moment with yet another of Christian’s cars, and then they’re off. Anastasia does that blushing thing she does at a Bruce Springsteen song (look, folks, Christian is down with the youth of today!), and then Christian decides that Anastasia’s hungry, so they stop for food.

And then we get to the restaurant scene. The restaurant is called Cuisine Sauvage, which tells me two things: 1) We’ve gotta keep E.L. James away from Google Translate, and 2) We’ve gotta stop E.L. James from writing anything ever. Even grocery lists.

The name means—as I’m sure you can probably figure out—“Savage Cooking,” which sounds like they hunt down Tarzan, kill him, then cook him, but it’s because their menu is based on what they’ve caught or gathered—which, again, is probably Tarzan.

Bon appétit!

The waitress blushes when she sees Christian, which makes me think that what Anastasia has is now airborne, and Christian orders pinot grigio for both Anastasia and himself without even asking if she wanted any (she didn’t, by the way… She wanted Diet Coke).

When she mentions that she wanted something different, he shakes his head and explains, as if to a small, idiot child, that the pinot will go with whatever they get to eat. That’s great and all, Christian, but you could tell her that before you order so that she can make her own decision, you condescending shithead.

Anastasia again lets it slide because… he smiles. Not even joking. He smiles, she loses all reason. I really fucking hate this book, y’all.

Christian then shares that his mother liked Anastasia because she’d always assumed that he was gay and Anastasia was the first girl he’d ever introduced her to. I wouldn’t let that assumption go so easily if I were her, but there you go.

He also mentions that it’s been a “weekend of firsts” for him and I was so bored I fell asleep and only woke up when I felt that I was drooling on myself.

Anyway, Christian explains what “vanilla sex” means and that it’s one of his firsts, and Anastasia asks why it is that he’s never had it before.

Turns out Christian Grey was seduced by one of his mother’s friends when he was fifteen.

She kept him as her sub for six motherfucking years.

Okay, look. Real talk for a minute.

There’s a disturbing trend where we don’t generally treat the statutory rape of a guy the way we do a girl’s. It’s usually played off as “hurr hurr, I wish a milf had fucked me when I was a kid” kind of joke, and I’m not gonna lie, it makes me extremely uncomfortable because of reasons I will not go into right now. I, of all people, know how something like that can shape you—give you all kinds of complexes and shit—and it’s just not funny. So even assuming young Christian consented, which we’re not given a clear indication of yet, this whole storyline is already making me feel icky.

Especially since it’s used to justify Christian’s sexual preferences (which are often painted by James as deviant, fuck her very much) and general dickishness. I just don’t think James is skilled enough to pull this off tastefully, if it can even be done tastefully. So… yeah. Once again, just… fuck you, E.L. James.

Christian continues to elaborate on this, by mentioning that during his… relationship… with this woman, he didn’t date anyone else through college because he didn’t want or need to, and that he still sees her, though not sexually.

Anastasia, like some people who are me, is surprised by this news and rightly wonders if this is the relationship he wants to reenact with her.

They both acknowledge that this is a big step, and Christian once again tells Anastasia to do her homework—which I wholeheartedly endorse, though knowing that to Christian, “research” means “look on the internet, then talk only to me” makes me do this:

After lunch is over, Christian drops Anastasia off at her house and Anastasia is grilled by Kate re:sexy tiems.

Kate then shares how crappy her first time was (did he rip through her virginity, I wonder), and admits that it took her a long time to enjoy sex. Which sounds a lot more realistic than Anastasia’s entire experience so far. They then giggle over both being sore, and Kate reveals how much she really likes Elliot. I don’t blame her, to be honest—Elliot seems light-years ahead of Christian on the “decent guy” front.

And then José calls. And Anastasia feels obligated to talk to him even though no such obligation actually exists.

José apologizes, blaming it on the Goose, and Anastasia forgives him—which, okay, is her prerogative. If she wants to be friends with guys who think they can kiss you into submission and act all pissy when they can’t, hey.

But then he acts like a jealous boyfriend again, and straight up asks if Anastasia is with Christian for the money. I’ll give you my exact reaction to this:

See, shit like that? Means I’m never talking to your ass again. It probably also means quality violence. Why are you even friends with this guy, Anastasia? Not only does he have a serious case of Nice Guy Syndrome, but every time you let his shit slide that sense of entitlement gets bigger and bigger. I just—

Anyway, she tells dipshit she’ll call him and they’ll have coffee sometime (*facepalm2*) and that’s the end of that fuckery for now.

To be clear: Anastasia is not responsible for José’s feelings, and she has no obligation to encourage or appease him at all, but this is now the… I wanna say second time E.L. James makes her feel like she does, and it annoys the everlovin’ fuck out of me. Thanks for teaching women this, James. I hope the fire you die in is extra-hot.

After that, Kate and Anastasia have dinner together—I’ll assume the footsie they play under the table was cut out by the editor—and then Elliot calls and Kate goes off to talk to him.

Anastasia watches TV for a bit while thinking about the men in her life and the contract, which is bound to be extremely entertaining, and then Kate comes back and bids her good night.

Anastasia goes to her bedroom and prepares to read the contract.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

Actually, not a lot of those in this chapter—or any, really. But enjoy the ever-present lip-biting thing:

“ ‘Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.’”

Yay, group sex!


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “He gazes at me. He’s amused, his eyes dancing with mirth.”

Here, let me be nice for once and actually fix this sentence: “He gazes at me, his eyes dancing with mirth.” Notice the economy of phrasing. Simple. Direct.

2. “I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Christian up on his offer of clothes. My subconscious (reviewer: nope) purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho.’”

I’m not aware of my own subconscious because, as we’ve established, you cannot be aware of your own subconscious, but if I was, it would probably be beating the shit out of your subconscious for implying that enjoying sex is something to be ashamed of.

3. “ ‘Dios mio! Ana!’ Holy crap, it’s José.”

I wonder what her first clue was.

4. “Taylor appears from… where? ‘Mrs. Grey?’ he asks. ‘Thank you, Taylor.’ He escorts her from the room and through the double doors to the foyer. Taylor was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been?”

Who actually gives a fuck?

Taylor, pictured here:

5. “He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi millionaire, billionaire, what-ever-aire, in these clothes.”

I refuse to believe this is actually a sentence, and you can’t make me.

6. “ ‘Safe trip, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.’ Taylor looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes.”

Taylor, pictured here:

7. “Beside the elevator, I can see the black 4x4 Audi, but it’s the sleek, black sporty number that blips open and lights up when he points the key fob at it. It’s one of those cars that should have a very leggy blonde, wearing nothing but a sash, sprawled across the hood.”

8. “He starts the ignition, and the engine roars behind us. He places his bag in the space behind our seats, presses a button, and the roof slowly reclines.”

“Retracts,” dumbass.

9. “Boy this car can move.”

Well, of course the car can move a boy. It’s transport. It’s kind of its job.

10. “Crap… I have to deal with Kate’s persistence and tenacity, and I’m in possession of a legal signed document saying I can’t talk.”

Persistence and tenacity mean the same thing. I’m submitting this sample to the Department of Redundancy Department.

11. “ ‘My first time was horrid,’ she continues, making a sad comedy face.”

… Do we know what the words “sad” and “comedy” mean?

12. “Too obvious, Steele! My subconscious (reviewer: nope) glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scale of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. Ha… what’s he going to do—take all my money? I must remember to Google ‘penalties for breaching a non-disclosure agreement’ while I’m doing the rest of my ‘research’.”



Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.”

My inner goddess carefully selects a bat from her assortment of weapons and swings away at your inner goddess’ head.

Oh, and


Christian Grey, the Douche Knight

“He’s resumed his distant, polite, uptight persona, his mask back up and on show.”

Christian, pictured here:

Monday, July 16, 2012

So, for Christian, sex is like army training…


So after the sexy sex, Shitty Shades gives us the obligatory “stare at your partner while they’re sleeping” scene. You know, it’s kind of tricky to pull that off non-creepily, but damned if James does not succeed.

If you’re looking at the guy you just fucked twice and are thinking he looks like a small child, then please… Seek help. Seek all the help.

Thankfully, the creepy doesn’t last long:

“I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs—bathroom needs.”

You guys, this is a sentence that was written AND published.

Oh, my god. I can’t. I have to stop laughing, or I’ll get hiccups. Fucking bathroom needs. Holy shit.

So due to her needs, Anastasia goes in search of a bathroom, but finds a gigantic walk-in closet instead. If I didn’t hate Christian Grey already, I would now—just ‘cause he has what I so desperately want: room for all my shoes.

This huge dream closet apparently reminds Anastasia that she’s a fucking terrible friend and hasn’t called or texted Kate to check in. She then finds the actual bathroom, doesn’t know what irony is, and studies herself in the mirror to see if she can tell that she’s had sex. Why not just go back and look at the bloody sheets you just slept in, you gross twit? I bet that’d tell you.

Then one of Anastasia’s personalities—which she calls her “subconscious” and I call her “self-loathing”—judges her for having sex with a man who doesn’t wanna immediately marry her and have hundreds of fat children.

While I do agree that fucking Christian Grey is not ideal, can we please agree now to step out of the year 1900 and face the 21st century? I mean, sex is sex. Why are we still acting like virginity is this SUPER HUGE GIFT THAT MUST BE TREASURED at all times? I mean, seriously.

As long as you’re ready, and no one is getting (non-consensually) hurt, have at it.

It is not that critical, is what I’m saying.


Anyway, then Anastasia heads back out to the kitchen, re-remembers that she still hasn’t talked to Kate, and finds her phone.

She’s missed three texts from Kate, so she decides to call her back. Kate doesn’t answer, however—probably getting some from Elliot—so Anastasia leaves her a corny-ass message.

She then thinks that it’s confusing to categorize and analyze her feelings for Christian and that it’s “an impossible task.”

…All right, let’s see if I can do it: you’re horny for him. Done. You saw it here, folks… I’ve performed the impossible.

Anastasia then decides to do her hair up in pigtails because “the more girly [she] looks, perhaps the safer [she]’ll be from Bluebeard.” I HAVE LINT THAT IS SMARTER THAN THIS WOMAN.

She also gets her iPod and starts making breakfast.

Hey, remember that time Anastasia was daunted by underwear? She’s also daunted by Christian’s kitchen because… cupboards? Or something?

…I don’t know, I hate her so much.

While she’s keeping busy making eggs or pancakes or both, she remembers the sexy tiems and makes me nervous that she’ll burn down the building. She manages not to, but she does make me almost throw up with her “I’m such an outsider” thoughts:

“Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit (reviewer: *eyeroll*). I have never fitted in anywhere and now… I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself.”

Yeah, that says “fitted.” Has E.L. James ever even heard of the “show, don’t tell” concept? I’m not saying Anastasia wasn’t an outcast at all, but I’ve seen no evidence of it besides her telling me so, so I call bullshit. Hearsay’s inadmissible, fucktard.

Also? Christian is super-rich and a respected businessman. That does not make him a “misfit.” Neither do his sexual proclivities, especially since they seem to be private. NDA private. Again: pics or it didn’t happen.

Speaking of the devil, it is at this moment that Christian appears.

They have what passes for a domestic scene and then Christian makes the pigtails creepy, as we all knew he would.

He tries to be witty, too, which—I just wish people would stop trying to do that in this book. It almost never works.

Christian also asks how sore Anastasia is, which is valid. That’s always breakfast conversation at my house; how sore my vagina is.

He then wonders if he should continue “basic training,” which makes me think of boot camp. So… Booty Camp?

Both Christian and Anastasia are driving me to insanity with the whole lip-biting thing, by the way, so I just want to know how many more times that’s gonna be brought up. Ballpark figure. I’d like to start planning my murderous rampage ASAP, you see…

Anyway, Anastasia and Christian decide that Anastasia will stay another day, and then Christian’s issues with food rear their annoying heads and he orders Anastasia to eat more than she wants to.

You guys… I’m starting to think that Christian uses this as a way to control Anastasia. I know it’s farfetched, but stick with me here: it’s like he’s training her to be good little girl outside of, as well as inside the bedroom.


…Nahhhhh. Can’t be. That would make Christian some sort of an asshole!

There is a brief phone call from Kate where she grills Anastasia about how hot the sex was, but Anastasia shuts it down quick ‘cause Nosey McNoserton is like, right there and he did make her sign the NDA earlier.

After Anastasia hangs up, she does mention that she’ll have questions and that maybe she should have a way of asking them, and Christian, point-misser extraordinaire, says that she can ask him.

Uh, no. What’s to stop you from inventing the rules, cockface? This is why the NDA is total bullshit. This is not how this is supposed to work like, at all. But whatever, it’s bath time.

So Christian’s bathtub is “designer,” whatever that means, and it’s where we get our third sexual encounter, lucky SOBs that we are.

Christian bathes Anastasia, then Christian orders Anastasia to bathe him because he wants to foster a strong bond between her and his cock. Naturally.

The washing turns into a handjob, which then turns (quite naturally, actually) into a blowjob.

Much like me, Anastasia is pretty good at it despite her inexperience (and the whole “teeth” thing. Anastasia, honey, you’ve gotta ask before you try that… Some guys don’t take too kindly to such a step), and even swallows on her first time out.

After Christian recovers (“ ‘Don’t you have a gag reflex?’”), he wants to give the quid for Anastasia’s quo, so they head (hehe) to the bedroom for just that.

He takes this opportunity, however, to beg Anastasia to say yes to the “arrangement” outlined in the rules he gave her earlier, aaaaand I’m back to fucking hating him.

Seriously, dude? Seriously? You think right before sex is the best time to make decisions?

That’s another check for Christian in the “manipulative douchetool” column.

This time Anastasia gets tied up with one of Christian’s ties, and Christian takes the express downtown. Anastasia still can’t say “pussy” or “vagina,” and insists on using “my sex.” So I’m gonna take this as is and assume that Christian licked the hell out of her female.

I have to work with what I’m given.

Christian talks less this time, which is bloody fantastic. I vote for more cunnilingus, if it means he shuts the fuck up.

After the trip downtown, Christian pulls a condom from out of nowhere and fucks Anastasia one more time. He again tries to make his case, but sounds from outside disrupt his expert manipulation.

Turns out Christian’s mother has just popped by for a visit.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “ ‘Turn around. I need washing, too,’ he murmurs. Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp.”

Hey, Christian… if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.

2. “ ‘I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.’”

Duh, dumbass, it’s your cock. Of course you’re attached to it. Also: LMAOMG. Seriously?! If a guy ever said this to me, I’d laugh until I passed out.

It is fitting that it’s his most beloved part of his body, though, him being a dick and all.

3. “Hmm… I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.”

Ugh. Thanks for ruining popsicles for me, Anastasia.

4. “I do as he asks, and he binds my wrists together with his tie, knotting it firmly. His eyes are bright with wild excitement. He tugs at the binding. It’s secure.”

5. “This time he doesn’t stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!

Well, at least she’s not calling it her sex, right?

6. “He turns to my other knee and kisses his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently.”

7. “ ‘I like this.’ He gently tugs at my pubic hair. ‘Perhaps we’ll keep this.’”


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in. There’s nothing like music to cook by.”

Music: Brought to you by the makers of Orange Juicetm!

2. “I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I am turning puce.”

Puce, really?

I advise you to seek a doctor, Anastasia.

3. “ ‘Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.’ I choke on my tea, and I stare at him, eyes wide and gaping. He pats me gently on the back and passes me some orange juice(™). I cannot tell what he’s thinking.”

…He’s thinking about blowjobs. Keep up, dumbass.

4. “ ‘Ana, why didn’t you text last night?’ She’s angry.

‘I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.’”


5. “That is going to be one difficult square to circle.”

6. “ ‘Besides,’ his tone is harsher. ‘Your room-mate is making the beast with two backs with my brother.’”

… I know Shakespeare. Shakespeare is a very good friend of mine. You, sir, are no Shakespeare.

7. “ ‘I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?’ he says through clenched teeth. ‘You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?’ I gasp, automatically unlocking my lip, shocked.”

“Unlocking”? What? Who are these people?!

8. “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

Oh, yeah? My inner goddess is punching your inner goddess in the throat.

9. “What now? My pulse has gone through the roof, my heart beating a frantic tattoo. He runs his fingers down my pigtails. ‘You look so young with these,’ he murmurs and moves forward.”

10. “Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.”

What? What the fuck does that even mean?!


Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Quickly, he clambers out of the bath, giving me my first full glimpse of the Adonis, divinely formed, that is Christian Grey. My inner goddess (reviewer: I will kill you) has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”

Anastasia’s inner goddess, pictured here:



Christian Grey, Tech Specialist

“ ‘Water and iPods—not a clever combination,’ he mutters.”

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only douche in the world!


So while Christian deals with his “double exasperation” at Anastasia’s virginity, Anastasia seems to grow a brain for all of two seconds and reminds Christian that they hardly know each other and thus, she wasn’t obligated to reveal her sexual history (or lack thereof) at first meet.

There’s hope for the girl yet, folks. Not much, of course, but still… Some.

Christian, however, having near-toxic levels of asshole in his body, uses the word “virgin” as some kind of insult and basically makes all the virgins reading this book feel like defective products or something.

Whatta guy.

Then Christian calls Anastasia beautiful as part of the reason why he’s being such a jackhole about things, and Anastasia loses the thread and basks in the compliment, completely missing the part where he’s implying there must be something wrong with her because she hasn’t had sex yet.

Christian, I will now ask you to familiarize yourself with the Die In All The Fires exit procedure. Anastasia, you may accompany him.

Clearly, this whole “virginity” thing is a problem, and then, of course, Anastasia bites her lip, so Christian decides to “rectify the situation.”

… Rectify away, Christian. Good luck.

Anastasia: “ ‘What do you mean? What situation?’”

Christian: “ ‘Your situation (reviewer: I’m picturing him curling his upper lip in disgust here, but YMMV). Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.’”

Me: How romantic. *continues filing nails*

…Seriously? I mean, that’s what women want? Some random cockburger to make you feel like some sort of freak and then to decide to “fix” it without your input at all? Sorry. Some rich random cockburger. My mistake.


Oh, but then, folks…. THEN. Shit gets real. Because Christian prepares to rock Anastasia’s world.

Unfortunately, he has to narrate the entire thing, which totally takes me out of the mood. It would be a lot better for me if you didn’t talk, Christian.

Things we learn from Christian Grey’s narration:

  • He wants to bite that lip.
  • He wants to kiss every inch of Anastasia’s beautiful, pale, flawless skin.
  • He likes brunettes. (Yippee. I can die happy now.)
  • Anastasia smells so good.
  • Anastasia Steele is very beautiful, and he can’t wait to be inside her.
  • (By the way, he’s the only one speaking at this point. She’s been turned into some kind of mute by his fuckspell.)
  • He wants to see how Anastasia makes herself come (which she doesn’t. SHE-FUCKING-NANIGANS).
  • (Also, there you have it, folks: not masturbating makes you dumb. Adjust life accordingly.)
  • We’re gonna have to work on keeping Anastasia still.
  • Anastasia (by which he means her tits) fits his hand perfectly.
  • Anastasia is very responsive, and it is going to be fun teaching her how to control that. (Somehow I doubt that.)
  • (I’m not even halfway done, you guys… This fucker just will not. Shut. Up.)

… I can’t even continue this, ‘cause it would be the entire review. He doesn’t even really talk dirty, it’s just obvious shit. Actually, let me demonstrate:

“ ‘Pull your knees up,’ he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. ‘I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,’ he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.”

“I’m going to fuck you now”?! Seriously. I didn’t even know that needed a special announcement. He should probably hire trumpeters and stuff so that they can play a fanfare.

Oh, and? Can we just take a moment and explore how fucking strange it is to call it “my sex”?

I just—okay, look. He’s not positioning the “head of his erection” (can you see my none-face? I bet you can) at the entrance of your female, he’s positioning it at the entrance of your vagina. Or pussy. If you can say “fuck,” you can say “pussy.” Fucking hell.

After the, uh, positioning is done, Christian—fine gentleman that he is—rips through Anastasia’s virginity.


Oh, but because His Douchesty is the douchiest, after he makes it the most painful initiation to sex ever, he stops and looks down at Anastasia, his eyes “bright with ecstatic triumph.”

I just—I can’t. I have lost the ability to can with this goddamn book.

It’s only after he’s done with his little moment of victory that he thinks to ask Anastasia if she’s okay. Now, if Anastasia were an actual person, she’d need a little more time to get used to Monsieur Jackhammer, but since people don’t act like people on Planet Fucktardia, she’s totally cool, bro, and they finish.

For the record, at no point was I even close to being aroused by this sex scene, and if I had, that whole ripping thing would’ve taken me right the fuck out of the mood. Just… ouch.

After that, Anastasia wants to do it again (HOW?!), which means Christian’s back to narrating.

“ ‘So you want me to fuck you again?’ he whispers in my ear, and he begins to trail feather light kisses around my ear and down my neck.”

This time, they do it doggy-style, but he does it really slow this time, which—yay, I guess. At least he’s capable of being a considerate lover. Too bad he couldn’t do that when he ripped through her fucking hymen.

Anyway, this sex scene is a bit better, but still not hot ‘cause Christian still won’t shut the fuck up and let me pretend he’s someone else.

After that, Anastasia passes out and I unclench my thighs a little.

When she wakes up, she goes wandering around the Douche Mansion and finds Christian playing the piano because he’s a ~sensitive soul~. He then dusts off his Pretentious Asshat award and tell us that he was playing Transcription, by Bach, but that it was originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.

Just say “yes, it’s Bach,” and leave it at that, for fuck’s sake. Jesus.

Anyway, then he orders Anastasia to bed, where they notice blood on the sheets.

Anastasia’s reaction: “I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me.”

Christian’s reaction: “ ‘Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about.’”

My reaction: You need to give Mrs. Jones a fucking raise.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “Christian Grey’s feet… wow… what is it about naked feet?”

I honestly have no idea. What about naked feet?

2. “My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight every single nerve ending in my body so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony.”

Nope. See, this is why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed thesauruses. Different words have different connotations, dumbass, so “brunt” is not the same thing as say, “attention,” or “focus.” Just… you know what? Just stop writing.

3. “He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no… Will it? How?

Okay. Has this chick ever taken a Biology course? Sex Ed? Health? Kids in Junior High know “how,” for god’s sake.

4. “ ‘Open your mouth,’ he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly open, blinking wildly. ‘See how you taste,’ he breathes against my ear. ‘Suck me, baby.’ His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.”

So to recap: you are sucking your virgin blood off Christian Grey’s thumb…


Fucking English, how does it work?

1.  “His brows knit together. ‘How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.’”

I know, right? Especially when sex is lurking in every dark shadow, biding its time. I mean, they even give you free sex in Happy Meals! Oh, and at work, when you punch in and they just expect you to sex right there. There’s no way to escape!

Also? I love that his brows knit together. Such a fun togetherness activity.

2. “ ‘No one’s really, you know.’ Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be some kind of monster.”

What is this sentence?! Is that even technically English?

Also, off is the direction in which I wish you would fuck, Anastasia.

3. “I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I’m going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey.”

I’m sorry—how old are you?

4. “He opens the top drawer of the chest and removes a packet of condoms. He gazes at me intently. ‘Be prepared,’ he murmurs. ‘Do you want the blinds drawn?’”

Great, now I have that song stuck in my head. Now you will, too:

Stick with Christian, and you’ll never be horny again!

5. “I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body.”

Clearly, since you seem to have forgotten basic punctuation.

6. “He blows very gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it.”

Ew, like Stretch Armstrong?!

7. “My body quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me.”

Anastasia’s body, pictured here:

I am amused, however, by the image of sweat gathering and then hovering over her body… Like when the T-1000 melted and came together.

8. “Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”

9. “ ‘We’re going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,’ he breathes.”

Real and slow. Got it. Note: CHECK COMMA USE

10. “ ‘You. Are. So. Sweet,’ he murmurs between each thrust. ‘I. Want. You. So. Much.’”

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

11. “ ‘You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,’ he growls.”

12. “ ‘Fuck. Ana,’ he breathes.”

… You just did. Twice.


Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted, my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”

So much… just so much fail here.



Christian Grey, Patronizing Granny

“ ‘And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two.”

Christian, pictured here:

When are you gonna get married, dearie?