Sunday, November 18, 2012

Uh, I took a break, and… I’m ready to come back now.


I find myself having to apologize again for disappearing. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s just really very easy to just stop reading shitty books because it’s what I do when I’m not reviewing them for the pleasure of my no-doubt vast fanbase.

You—you guys are a vast fanbase, right? Lie to me if you must.


I believe we’re on Chapter Thirteen, yes? Okay. Let’s continue.

When we left off, Anastardia had just emailed His Royal Doucheness her list of issues with his contract. And she had pretty good issues, I must admit. When we begin this chapter, she’s worrying that actually asserting herself means she scared him off. You and I see a blessing, this stupid twit worries. Not even surprised, to be honest.

Anyway, she calls her mom for some drive-by comfort, and then we start the email shit again:

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Your Issues

Date: May 24 2011 01:27

To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive.

submissive [suhb-mis-iv] – adjective

1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.

2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Origin: 1580-90; submiss + –ive

Synonyms: 1. tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2. passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued. Antonyms: 1. rebellious, disobedient.

Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”


From: V

Subject: Planning To Kill You Slowly And With Great Relish

Date: November 18 2012 17:08

To: Christian Grey

Dear Unimaginable Shitstain,

After reading your email, I also wanted to review an entry in the dictionary that applies to the situation, specifically with regard to your smug reply to Anastasia’s legitimate concerns with your contract (especially considering her ignorance of sexual subcultures):

asshole [ass-hohl] – noun, vulgar slang

1. the anus: sometimes I wonder just how far I can ram my boot up your asshole.

2. a detestable person; what you fucking are: you are the RULER of assholes—the Asshole King.

Origin: mid-1930s (for #2); ass + hole

Synonyms: 1. arsehole, bunghole, arse. 2. dickhead, motherfucker, prick, bastard, son of a bitch, whoreson, cocksucker, SOB, shit, doucheknight, fuckwit, cockface, Christian Grey. Antonyms: 2. Almost any guy who is not Christian Grey.

Please fuck off and drown in shit or something.


Blogger, Don’t Panic


Anastasia, of course, is just relieved that he’s given her a response at all because she is my punishment for something. She sends him an email defining “compromise,” which only serves to convince me that they are both cockfaces, and what follows is an interminable fucking exchange of emails with what I guess is supposed to be witty repartee.


It’s not, though. It never is.

After that, there’s a call to Ray. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to accomplish because it’s a paragraph long with no dialogue and Anastasia’s worthless musings, but it’s there. Then there is Kate/Anastasia bonding that doesn’t lead to the sex that they both want. I am 99.98% convinced that this series exists solely because Kate and Anastasia insist on suppressing their romantic feelings for each other.

The next day, Paul is back. It took me a bit to remember that Paul is another one of Anastasia’s stalkers (she collects them like Magic: The Gathering cards, apparently); the one who’s her boss’ brother. He spends the day following Anastasia around work asking her for a date.

When she says she already has a date, he accuses her of trying to avoid him. Gee, I wonder why she’d want to do that to such a Nice Guy.

Anyway, then she tells him that the date is with Christian Grey, and Paul is so surprised that he gives up harassing Anastasia. And she resents that he does. As does her inner goddess.

Leave it to dumbass to resent someone not harassing her.

Well, she resents that he finds it so surprising that Christian Grey would date her, but I don’t give a fuck. HE IS LEAVING YOU ALONE GET OVER THE EGO PRINCESS


Also? Christian Grey is not a prize. Just FYI.

After work, Anastasia rushes home to get ready for her date. She has to borrow clothes from Kate because clothes are not her “thing.” What the fuck ever, Anastasia. She also shaves her legs and underarms again, which—what? How quick does her hair grow?! It’s been like, what? Two days? Three? Why am I even thinking about this? Let’s just… Let’s move on.

We’ll skip to when Anastasia gets to the hotel.

Christian approves of Anastasia wearing a dress and actually lets Anastasia order what she wants to drink, for once.

They admit to each other that they’re nervous and then it’s down to sexy business. Well… it’s down to business.

The first thing she mentions is that the contract is legally unenforceable, which everyone but her knew already. It leads Christian to state that she doesn’t think highly of him at all, which duh. None of us do, Christian. Refer to the definition I applied to you above.

Then he says that this whole thing boils down to trust. Which is true, generally. He asks Anastasia if she trusts him, and Anastasia asks if he’s had this conversation with “the fifteen.” He says no, because they were all more knowledgeable about this kind of relationship, and then Anastasia asks if there’s a store where he gets these women.

I…kinda hate Anastasia? I don’t know if it was clear before, but I do.

Anyway, Christian then stirs the conversation back to the main point, which is if Anastasia’s hungry or not.

Yay, we’re back to that shit again.

She says “no,” which to Christian somehow means “yes,” and he gives her the option of eating in his suite or in a private dining room that he’s reserved.

He’s also already ordered (and there goes my hope that maybe he’d learned something), and then it’s once again time for the contract stuff. Christian pulls out a copy of the email she sent outlining her issues and goes through them one by one.

He concedes Clause 2 (whose benefit this whole thing is for), and then addresses his sexual health (he takes blood tests every six months and insists on the same for previous sex partners) and drug history. He’s “vehemently anti-drugs,” has a no-tolerance policy for all employees, and insists on random drug testing. I’m not sure if he’s implying that Anastasia would count as an employee under the contract, but it’s kinda what it sounds like? I don’t know. Whatever.

He then says that she’s free to get out whenever she wants, but that if she does, that’s it. She does not pass Go and she does not collect $200.

At this point, Christian’s order arrives, and it’s oysters. Ugh. It fucking figures. Cold, slimy things. How fitting.

After a lesson in how to eat the damn things (“All you do is tip and swallow. I think you can manage that”), it’s back to the contract.

Christian still wants Anastasia to obey him in all things—nay, needs her to. Anastasia is reluctant because she’s worried he’ll hurt her. He reassures her he wouldn’t go beyond any limit she sets, but Anastasia reminds him that he admitted once he’d hurt someone. When she asks how, we get this:

“I suspended them from my playroom ceiling. In fact, that’s one of your questions. Suspension—that’s what the karabiners are for in the playroom. Rope play. One of the ropes was tied too tightly.”

Someone explain to me how this does not imply that Christian Grey hanged some poor soul. I’ll wait.

We don’t get confirmation on that because it’s a little too real for Anastasia, and they agree to make suspension a hard limit.

After that, it’s time for a discussion of terms. Christian says that one month is too short and asks for three, and offers one weeknight and one weekend night a month to be all hers.

It’s not clear if Anastasia’s totally cool with the three month thing, but what is clear is that she’s been pounding the wine a wee bit hard. She’s been drinking pretty much the whole time, and she’d already admitted that she hadn’t eaten anything that day. It shows, too, because she feels “railroaded” and her mind wanders during a speech Christian gives on ownership terminology.

Christian notices and asks her if she’s still with him, then asks if she’d like… more wine.

Thankfully, Anastasia asks for water instead.

Christian notes that Anastasia has been very quiet, and then he gives her a mini-lecture on pleasure and pain and how they’re two sides of the same coin and blahdee blah blah does it make you horny?

Anyway, he once again asks if she trusts him and she says she does. WHY. WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO INSPIRE TRUST?!

The food gets there, and they talk about the rules next.

Anastasia doesn’t budge on the food thing (I wouldn’t, either) and Christian concedes that and the sleep thing. He then explains away the not looking at him thing as a “Dom/sub thing” and replies “because you can’t” when Anastasia asks him why she can’t touch him.

Anastasia asks if it’s because of Mrs. Robinson (hating that nickname, by the way), and Christian says that it’s not, and that Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of that shit from him. Which leads me to wonder why he would expect Anastasia to, but then I remember how easily manipulated Anastasia is and I’m done wondering.

Apparently the No Masturbation Clause stays, and then Anastasia doesn’t feel like talking over the soft limits during dinner because she has a lot of shit to think about. Christian takes that as some sort of invitation to sex and suggests that Anastasia be dessert, and Anastasia points out that Christian uses sex as a weapon and that it’s unfair.

Why she can’t always be this aware fucking eludes me.

Christian agrees that he uses sex as a weapon:

“You’re right. I do. In life you use what you know, Anastasia. Doesn’t change how much I want you. Here. Now.”

The Point and Christian have apparently never met as they reside in different fucking time zones.

He doubles down on this douchery, by the way, by pointing out that Anastasia wouldn’t even have to think about stuff if she were his sub because he’d take care of it.

To recap: Christian Grey wants someone who doesn’t think or makes decision at all. Yeah, that’s super-sexy. My panties=currently soaked. This is the perfect man, y’all. I have finally found him. I can’t even tell you how relieved my lady-brain is right now.

They then tease each other sexually while I contemplate going on a murder spree before holing up in a bunker waiting for the FBI to fatally capture me, and then, suddenly, Anastasia decides to leave.

Christian tries to make her stay, worries that this is goodbye (fuck, if only), then insults her car.

Anastasia declines, avoids confirming that this is goodbye, then cries on the way home.

She admits that Christian isn’t really offering what she wants and worries that she’d be investing three months into something that may not pay off. She wonders if it’s best that she just fold her cards now and save herself the not-inconsiderable trouble, to which I say

She gets home and there’s an email waiting from Pushy McPusherton, CEO of Pushiness, Inc., which makes Anastasia falter and wonder if maybe they can make it work…


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

Not much this go-round, but I’ll add this one:

“The ownership thing, that’s just terminology and goes back to the principle of obeying. It’s to get you into the right frame of mind, to understand where I’m coming from. And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do what I like to you. You have to accept that and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. I will fuck you, any time, any way, I want—anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because you will screw up. I will train you to please me. But I know you’ve not done this before. Initially, we’ll take it slowly, and I will help you. We’ll build up to various scenarios. I want you to trust me, but I know I have to earn your trust, and I will. The ‘or otherwise’—again it’s to help you get into the mindset, it means anything goes.”

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT. I don’t trust this guy at all.


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “My mom is oozing (reviewer: ew) contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he’s as accident-prone as I am. He’s expected to make a full recovery, but it means he’s resting up, and my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot.”

…She’s not the one with the injury, genius.

2. “Idly, I switch the mean machine on and fire up the email program.”

Don’t call it that. It’s a laptop. A fucking laptop.

3. “I rarely wear make-up—it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up—maybe I’d know more about it if they had.”

You mean the one heroine you’ve mentioned over and over? Don’t make it like you’ve read anything besides Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Also, things that intimidate Anastasia: (a) underwear, (b) kitchen cabinets, and (c) make-up.

4. “Making a supreme effort not to bite my lip, I move forward aware that I, Anastasia Steele of Clumsyville, am in high stilettos.”

…God, I hope you trip and stab yourself in the neck with one.

5. “I reach across and pick up my first ever oyster. Okay… here goes nothing.”

Please choke.

6. “The waiter re-emerges with our entrees: black cod, asparagus, and crushed potatoes with a hollandaise sauce. I have never felt less like food.”

So… you usually feel like food? What kind? Turnips?

7. “ ‘I hope you feel like fish,’ Christian says mildly.”

..That’s what she said.

8. “ ‘If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy.’ His voice is soft, seductive. ‘All those decisions—all the wearying thought processes behind them. The—is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now? You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dom.’”

So… yeah. That happened. Thought I was kidding, didn’tcha?

9. “ ‘And right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.’”

Christian Grey, pictured here:

10. “Christian stands automatically, revealing years of ingrained civility.”

Were they—were they in his pants?

11. “As I undress, I wake up the mean machine and sitting in my inbox is a message from Christian.”



Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“I flush and stare down at my hands. That’s what I’m hindered by in this game of seduction. He’s the only one who knows and understands the rules (reviewer: that’s ‘cause he’s making them up… just FYI). I’m just too naïve and inexperienced. My only sphere of reference is Kate, and she doesn’t take any shit from men (reviewer: HOW IS THIS A BAD THING?!). My other references are all fictional: Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged, Jane Eyre too frightened, and Tess would succumb, just as I have.”


Christian Grey, Orgasm Regulator

“ ‘No. And I don’t want you touching yourself, either.’

What? Ah yes, the no masturbation clause.

‘Out of curiosity… why?’

‘Because I want all your pleasure,’ his voice is husky, but determined.’”




Thursday, September 13, 2012

100 Ways to Hate


So after Anastasia reads the highly delightful contract, she finds that she needs some time to think, so she goes for a run.

I remain skeptical that she has the necessary equipment to think, but what the hell? Let’s just see where this takes us.

Anastasia’s “research” has taught her that the contract is technically unenforceable (RIP idea of Kinky Sex Police ), which leads to the realization that it exists merely to set the boundaries of the “relationship.”



How was that in any way not clear? THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR SEX LIFE, DUMBASS (unless you’re gay, of course, but don’t even get me started…), WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WONDER ABOUT THE LEGALITY OF A SEX CONTRACT?!

What was she thinking, that if she signed and then told Christian to fuck off that he’d send in a SWAT team and have her sent to Gitmo? Anastasia, stop thinking. You’re doing it wrong.

She then wonders if she’s prepared to give him—well…everything, really, for nothing. I can sort of understand her here, because being a submissive requires a lot of trust, and these idiots have known each other for all of five seconds. Anastasia’s real problem is that she really shouldn’t trust Christian because in the five seconds she has known him, he’s stalked her, manipulated her, and has given her very little information about himself.

So your answer, Anastasia, if you’ve been following along, should be NO.


If she took my advice, though, then there would be no rest of the book. And while that would make me deliriously happy, it is not reality. Le sigh.

Anastasia briefly wonders if maybe being “seduced at such a young age” fucked Christian in the head and made him such a kinky freak, but then dismisses it as a mystery.

It is around now that she finishes her run, and then there’s a weird short scene where Kate models some bikinis for Anastasia (SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY) before Anastasia escapes to her room to email Christian:

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Shocked of WSUV

Date: May 23 2011 20:33

To: Christian Grey

Okay, I’ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you.





“I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke.”

… Oh.

Anastasia then panics a little, realizing that for something to be a joke, it has to actually be funny, and that it wouldn’t matter even if it was because Christian Grey is a humorless dickwad.

To stop herself from chain-smoking or something, she packs and then decides to go over the contract again to make notes. After a bit, she glances up and finds Christian creepily standing in the doorway creepily watching her like the motherfucking Slender Man.

… Christian?

Turns out that he felt that her email warranted a reply in creepy person.

Then Anastasia bites her lip, and that, combined with the fact that she’s all gross from working out turns Christian on.

So… let me get this straight: Anastasia emails him saying she’s not interested, and he hunts her down and seduces her.


I… I actually have no words. I think I may have actually burst a blood vessel in my brain just now.

E.L. James, you are everything I hate.

And the fact that Anastasia gives in is just--

I need a minute…















Anyway. After they’re… done, they discuss Christian’s issues with the word “nice” and they confirm for each other that Anastasia is still considering Christian’s… offer. Then Anastasia says something about Mrs. Robinson (Christian’s statutory rapist), and he mentions that he still talks to her.

Anastasia gets jealous and says the right thing for the wrong fucking reason, as usual:

“ ‘I see.’ My voice is tight. ‘So you have someone you can discuss your alternative lifestyle with, but I’m not allowed.’”


Christian, who makes a career of missing the point, offers to introduce Anastasia to one of his former subs.

Anastasia sort of kinda kicks him out, but not before he mentions that he’d love give her “a good hiding.”

Anastasia wishes he was “normal” (seriously, now… Fuck you and “normal.” What does that even mean, “normal”?) and complains to herself that she wants much more than he is willing to give.

THEN TELL HIM THAT, DUMBASS. This really isn’t fucking rocket science.

He leaves and they have a date for Wednesday and I don’t even care at this point because this chapter is trolling me, I’m sure of it.

There is another scene where Kate and Anastasia discuss Christian and his issues and then something about Anastasia’s dad coming to her graduation.

Then there are more emails, one of which is Anastasia’s list of issues with the contract (included in Sexy Tiems), and then Christian Grey orders her to bed and this is me:

I need a goddamn drink.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “He reaches down, and from his pants pocket, he takes out his silver grey (GET IT GUYS IT’S GREY LIKE HIS NAME) silk tie… that silver grey woven tie that leaves small impressions of its weave on my skin. He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard. He pulls at my binding checking it’s secure. I’m not going anywhere. I’m tied, literally, to my bed, and I’m so aroused.”

Phew, am I glad she said “literally” there, because after the step-by-step description of him tying her to the bed, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to just assume


2. “ ‘Are you thirsty, Anastasia?’ he asks, his voice teasing (there’s actually no period after “teasing,” but I’m adding it ‘cause I have a headache and this book, you guys… Fuck this book). ‘Yes,’ I breathe, because my mouth is suddenly parched. I hear the ice clink against the glass, and he puts it down again and leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious, crisp, liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine.”

I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed it’s not Orange Juicetm


3. “He slowly and leisurely trails chilled kisses down the center of my body, from the base of my throat, between my breasts, down my torso, and to my belly. He pops a fragment of ice in my navel in a pool of cool, cold wine.”

Fucking English… How does that bitch work?


4. “ ‘If you spill the wine, I won’t let you come,’”

… Okay, I admit that one kinda got me hot. Except for the part where it’s Christian Grey, anyway.


5. “He kneels up between my legs, and very slowly he pulls my panties off, staring down at me, his eyes gleaming. He puts on the condom. I watch fascinated, mesmerized. ‘How nice is this?’ he says as he strokes himself.”



6. “ ‘Come on, Anastasia, again,’ he growls through clenched teeth, and unbelievably, my body responds, convulsing around him as I climax anew, calling out his name. I shatter again into tiny fragments, and Christian stills, finally letting go, silently finding his release. He collapses on top of me, breathing hard. ‘How nice was that?’ he asks through gritted teeth.”

Dude. Let it go.


7. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Issues

Date: May 24 2011 00:02

To: Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

Here is my list of issues. I look forward to discussing them more fully at dinner on Wednesday. The numbers refer to clauses:

2: Not sure why this is solely for MY benefit – ie to explore MY sensuality and limits. I’m sure I wouldn’t need a ten-page contract to do that! Surely this is for YOUR benefit. (reviewer: ZING MOTHAFUCKA)

4: As you are aware you are my only sexual partner. I don’t take drugs, and I’ve not had any blood transfusions. I’m probably safe. What about you?

8: I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay – I like this.

9: Obey you in all things? Accept without hesitation your discipline? We need to talk about this.

11: One month trial period. Not three.

12: I cannot commit to every weekend. I do have a life, or will have. Perhaps three out of four?

15.2: Using my body as you see fit sexually or otherwise – please define “or otherwise.” (reviewer: Yes, please do.)

15.5 This whole discipline clause. I’m not sure I want to be whipped, flogged, or corporally punished. I am sure this would be in breach of clauses 2-5. And also “for any other reason”. That’s just mean – and you told me you weren’t a sadist.

15.10 Like loaning me out to someone else would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s here in black and white.

15.14: The Rules. More on those later.

15.19: Touching myself without your permission. What’s the problem with this? You know I don’t do it anyway. (reviewer: If you did, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Just sayin’.)

15.21: Discipline – Please see clause 15.5 above.

15.22: I can’t look into your eyes? Why?

15.24: Why can’t I touch you?


Sleep – I’ll agree to 6 hours. Food – I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food list goes or I do – Deal breaker. Clothes – as long as I only have to wear your clothes when I’m with you… okay. Exercise – We agreed 3 hours, this still says 4 (reviewer: That sneaky son of a bitch).

Soft Limits:

Can we go through all of these? No Fisting of any kind. What is suspension? Genital Clamps – you have got to be kidding me (reviewer: HA). Can you please let me know the arrangements for Wednesday? I am working until 5pm that day. Good night.


I’m actually kind of impressed. I’m taking this as a sign that I definitely need a drink.


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweat pants, and a t-shirt.”

Uh… why are the sneakers nasty if you’ve never used them, Anastasia?


2. “I can’t sit in front of that marvel of technology and look at or read any more disturbing material.”

Just call it a fucking laptop, moron.


3. “Snow Patrol blaring my ears, I set off into the opal and aquamarine dusk.”



4. “She doesn’t do it on purpose, I know, but I haul my sorry, perspiration clad, old t-shirt, sweat pants, and sneakers ass into my room on the pretext of packing more boxes.”

There’s no part of that that’s English at all! Wha—who let this woman publish anything?!


5. “Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, I breathe.”

Jus—Shut the fuck up. Just stop talking.


6. “ ‘I needed time to think,’ I whisper. I’m all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake… and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.”

That’s a relief, because I have no earthly idea what the fuck you’re talking about.


7. “ ‘Oh – I don’t know… it seems to have a very beneficial effect on you.’ ‘I’m a beneficial effect, now am I? Could you wound my ego any further, Miss Steele?’”

Apparently Christian doesn’t understand English, either. This entire book needs an ESL course.


8. “ ‘I was going to email them to you, but you kind of interrupted me.’ ‘Coitus Interruptus.’”



9. “My hair is a state (is it… Iowa? Nebraska? Definitely one of the square ones, right?), and I know I’ll have to face the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition after he’s gone.”



10. “ ‘I’d say he’s completely smitten with you.’”

There is an error in the above sentence. Please replace the words “smitten with” with any of the following: “stalking,” “manipulating,” or “grooming.”


11. “Oh Kate… I wish I could tell you everything, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about him.”

Now, by “sad,” you definitely mean “douchey,” right? “Prickish,” maybe?


12. “From: Christian Grey

Subject: Stop Burning the midnight oil

Date: May 24 2011 00:12

To: Anastasia Steele


Christian Grey

CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.


Oh… shouty capitals!

There are several things to take from this:

(1) FUCK OFF CHRISTIAN, (2) Christian’s sig is obviously not automatic, so why does he keep signing off with his fucking full name and title?! (3) I will punch E.L. James in the face for many things, but I will especially enjoy the punch I give her for “shouty capitals.”


Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“He wants me, and this does strange, delicious things to my insides. Not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen, not evil Mrs. Robinson. Me. This beautiful man wants me. My inner goddess (reviewer: AAAAAAAAAAACK) glows so bright she could light up Portland.”


Christian Grey, Altar Boy

“ ‘I went to Sunday School, Anastasia. It taught me a great deal.’”

I’ll just fucking bet, Christian.


Oh, and for those wondering why this post is titled as it is, an excerpt from the song it comes from:

I... hate... you...
That's an understatement
I... hate... you...
For who you are
I hate you
And all you stand for
I don't care
I gave you
100 chances
You gave me
A hundred ways to hate


Fitting, no?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Just when you think this shit can’t get any sillier…


Let’s ride right past the part where I didn’t write anything for two months, yes? I actually took a pretty long break from even reading Shitty Shades because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

But. That’s done, and I feel I am ready to continue pointing out just how big of a failure this entire book is, one chapter at a time.

Now, when we left off, Anastasia was just about to dig into what is no doubt a juicy contract detailing Christian’s expectations for their relationship.

I call it a “relationship,” but it’s fuckery, plain and simple.

I’m not gonna lie to you, folks: the contract is purely delightful. There is just so much WTF in it, that I feel like a me in a shoe store!

I dared not hope after the silliness of the rules, but… it turns out dreams really do come true.

It starts by defining its terms—who we’re dealing with, what their roles will be, and what they need to agree on. There’s even a mission statement, of sorts:

“The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.”


The contract then specifies that no one is allowed to have STDs or other illnesses, and that if during the “term” (read: three months. Christian can only handle three months of a relationship at a time, y’all), one should be diagnosed with such an illness they have to ‘fess up before anything happens.

And you know, this is reasonable… Except that we’ve already established that Anastasia is a filthy virgin—or was, anyway—and something has already fucking happened.

I mean, is an up-to-date Fuck Contract too much to ask, here?! Sheesh.

Then, the contract defines the roles of Dominant and Submissive, which we’re already kind of familiar with.

And then. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, then there’s a schedule. Anastasia has to “make herself available” from Friday through Sunday every week “at times to be specified by the Dominant.”

I’m guessing he summons her with a snap of the fingers or something.

He can also dismiss her at any time and for any reason, something I imagine looks like this:

She can also request to be released (I giggle at how accurate that term may be) at any time, but she has to earn it.

Then there’s all this stuff about how he promises to treat his toy ethically—not sharing her with other people, making sure she’s taken care of if she’s injured, and that all the instruments are clean and stuff.

She, however, has to make sure she takes the pill, has to refrain from masturbating without permission (psh. I’m out), can’t look him in the eye (dude), and she can’t touch him.

I’m gonna be generous and assume he means during the “alloted times,” but honestly? I think this is in general. I never underestimate Christian Grey’s capacity for douche.

Oh, and announcement:

The safewords are “yellow” (close to limit) and “red.” My safewords are “rip” and “virginity,” but you know… different strokes…

Then there are appendices, which are mostly restating the rules he gave her that one time, except for the one that’s kind of like a quiz to ascertain what her soft and hard limits are. That I’ll include in the “Sexy Tiems” subheading for your pleasure. Feel free to supply your own soft and hard limits!

Anyway, after reading this, Anastasia freaks out, but not before taking the time to note that the word “obey” also shows up in old-timey wedding vows. I don’t know how the fuck that’s relevant. Anastasia is a dumbass.

She struggles with the decision—well, she says she struggles with the decision, but it’s pretty clear from pretty much everything we’ve read about her until now that she should tell Christian to go fuck himself with a mace because this is not what she wants. Nothing has convinced me otherwise. She wants him because he treats her like shit, but she doesn’t want him to treat her like shit, and he’s basically said that treating her like shit is the only way she’ll have him.

I mean… Come on.

But she considers accepting because otherwise she’ll end up alone or something.

The next day, she wakes up to a mystery delivery:

Kate mentions that it looks big and that she has to sign for it, which initially makes me think it’s one of these:

The delivery guy also mentions that he has to set it up and show her how to use it, which further makes me think it’s a Sybian, but then it turns out it’s just a stupid Mac.

Anastasia marvels over the fact that she has finally joined us in the 21st century, what with our newfangled machinery and our email and whatnot, and then we have the singular joy of witnessing our first email exchange between Anastasia and Christian.

And yes, I have to read all their emails to each other.

By the way, Christian ends all his emails with “Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”

I trust that tells you all you need to know about him.

Then Anastasia meets José for coffee, where he acts like a human being for once, and Anastasia reassures him that she forgives him.

After that, there’s more emailing (joy), and then Anastasia finally gets around to “researching.” I think she turned Safe Search off, too, ‘cause whatever she sees shocks her enough to need space and time to think.

One hopes she knows how.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy


Hard Limits

No acts involving fire play

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof

No acts involving needles, knives, cutting, piercing, or blood

No acts involving gynecological medical instruments

No acts involving children or animals

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin

No acts involving breath control

No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or direct), fire or flames to the body”

I absolutely fucking love that he had to specify which electric currents he was talking about. Like someone was gonna be all, “hey… what about alternating current? Is that still cool?”


Soft Limits

To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Masturbation
  • Fellatio
  • Cunnilingus
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • Vaginal fisting
  • Anal intercourse
  • Anal fisting

Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive?

Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Vibrators
  • Dildos
  • Butt Plugs
  • Other

Is Bondage acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Hands in front
  • Hands behind back
  • Ankles
  • Knees
  • Elbows
  • Wrists to ankles
  • Spreader bars
  • Tied to furniture
  • Blindfolding
  • Gagging
  • Bondage with Rope
  • Bondage with Tape
  • Bondage with leather cuffs
  • Suspension
  • Bondage with handcuffs/metal restraints

What is the Submissive’s general attitude about receiving pain? Where 1 is likes intensely and 5 is dislikes intensely: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

Which of the following types of pain/punishment/discipline are acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Spanking
  • Paddling
  • Whipping
  • Caning
  • Biting
  • Nipple clamps
  • Genital clamps
  • Ice
  • Hot wax
  • Other types/methods of pain”

… Oh. With Christian? Never mind.


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that?

The word you’re looking for is “douchey.”

2. “This is no way to have a relationship. I need some sleep. I’m shattered. All the physical shenanigans I’ve been engaged in over the last twenty-four hours have been, frankly, exhausting.”

3. “As José would say, a real mind-fuck.”

He wouldn’t say it like that, he’s Hispanic. He’d say “dios mio, a real mind-fuck.”

4. “My inner goddess (reviewer: UGHHHHH) is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

Firstly, your “inner goddess” is a buffoon. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with lots of cats. Thirdly, you’re a fucking a clown shoe.

5. “I wander into the kitchen to join Kate. ‘What is it?’ she says inquisitive, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She’s slept well too.”

Huh. Punctuation be hard, yo.

Also, Kate, pictured here:

6. “ From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Enquiring Minds

Date: May 23 2011 08:25

To: Christian Grey

I have many questions, but not suitable for email, and some of us have to work for a living. I do not want or need a computer indefinitely. Until later, good day. Sir.



…Fucking Luddite.

7. “José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gamboling dark-eyed puppy.”

8. “ ‘Ana,’ he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be angry with him anymore.”

Just what the fuck does a “all-Hispanic-American smile” look like?!

9. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Internet Research

Date: May 23 2011 17:59

To: Christian Grey

Mr. Grey

What would you suggest I put into a search engine?



10. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Bossy!

Date: May 23 2011 18:04

To: Christian Grey

Yes… Sir. You are so bossy.



From: Me

Subject: Duh-doy

Date: August 28 2012 18:53

To: Anastasia Steele

You are a complete fucktard.


Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“The only man I’ve ever been attracted to, and he comes with a bloody contract, a flogger, and a whole world of issues. Well, at least I got my way this weekend. My inner goddess (reviewer: ARGHHHHHH) stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes… she mouths, nodding at me smugly.”


Christian Grey, Master of Work Ethic

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Do The Work!

Date: May 23 2011 17:50

To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele

Delighted you had a good day. While you are emailing, you are not researching.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”


From: Me

Subject: Snarky Response

Date: August 28 2012 19:02

To: Douchebag

Stop replying, then, fuckface.


Empress, Your Superior in Every Way