So, for Christian, sex is like army training…

 

So after the sexy sex, Shitty Shades gives us the obligatory “stare at your partner while they’re sleeping” scene. You know, it’s kind of tricky to pull that off non-creepily, but damned if James does not succeed.

If you’re looking at the guy you just fucked twice and are thinking he looks like a small child, then please… Seek help. Seek all the help.

Thankfully, the creepy doesn’t last long:

“I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs—bathroom needs.”

You guys, this is a sentence that was written AND published.

Oh, my god. I can’t. I have to stop laughing, or I’ll get hiccups. Fucking bathroom needs. Holy shit.

So due to her needs, Anastasia goes in search of a bathroom, but finds a gigantic walk-in closet instead. If I didn’t hate Christian Grey already, I would now—just ‘cause he has what I so desperately want: room for all my shoes.

This huge dream closet apparently reminds Anastasia that she’s a fucking terrible friend and hasn’t called or texted Kate to check in. She then finds the actual bathroom, doesn’t know what irony is, and studies herself in the mirror to see if she can tell that she’s had sex. Why not just go back and look at the bloody sheets you just slept in, you gross twit? I bet that’d tell you.

Then one of Anastasia’s personalities—which she calls her “subconscious” and I call her “self-loathing”—judges her for having sex with a man who doesn’t wanna immediately marry her and have hundreds of fat children.

While I do agree that fucking Christian Grey is not ideal, can we please agree now to step out of the year 1900 and face the 21st century? I mean, sex is sex. Why are we still acting like virginity is this SUPER HUGE GIFT THAT MUST BE TREASURED at all times? I mean, seriously.

As long as you’re ready, and no one is getting (non-consensually) hurt, have at it.

It is not that critical, is what I’m saying.

Ahem.

Anyway, then Anastasia heads back out to the kitchen, re-remembers that she still hasn’t talked to Kate, and finds her phone.

She’s missed three texts from Kate, so she decides to call her back. Kate doesn’t answer, however—probably getting some from Elliot—so Anastasia leaves her a corny-ass message.

She then thinks that it’s confusing to categorize and analyze her feelings for Christian and that it’s “an impossible task.”

…All right, let’s see if I can do it: you’re horny for him. Done. You saw it here, folks… I’ve performed the impossible.

Anastasia then decides to do her hair up in pigtails because “the more girly [she] looks, perhaps the safer [she]’ll be from Bluebeard.” I HAVE LINT THAT IS SMARTER THAN THIS WOMAN.

She also gets her iPod and starts making breakfast.

Hey, remember that time Anastasia was daunted by underwear? She’s also daunted by Christian’s kitchen because… cupboards? Or something?

…I don’t know, I hate her so much.

While she’s keeping busy making eggs or pancakes or both, she remembers the sexy tiems and makes me nervous that she’ll burn down the building. She manages not to, but she does make me almost throw up with her “I’m such an outsider” thoughts:

“Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit (reviewer: *eyeroll*). I have never fitted in anywhere and now… I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself.”

Yeah, that says “fitted.” Has E.L. James ever even heard of the “show, don’t tell” concept? I’m not saying Anastasia wasn’t an outcast at all, but I’ve seen no evidence of it besides her telling me so, so I call bullshit. Hearsay’s inadmissible, fucktard.

Also? Christian is super-rich and a respected businessman. That does not make him a “misfit.” Neither do his sexual proclivities, especially since they seem to be private. NDA private. Again: pics or it didn’t happen.

Speaking of the devil, it is at this moment that Christian appears.

They have what passes for a domestic scene and then Christian makes the pigtails creepy, as we all knew he would.

He tries to be witty, too, which—I just wish people would stop trying to do that in this book. It almost never works.

Christian also asks how sore Anastasia is, which is valid. That’s always breakfast conversation at my house; how sore my vagina is.

He then wonders if he should continue “basic training,” which makes me think of boot camp. So… Booty Camp?

Both Christian and Anastasia are driving me to insanity with the whole lip-biting thing, by the way, so I just want to know how many more times that’s gonna be brought up. Ballpark figure. I’d like to start planning my murderous rampage ASAP, you see…

Anyway, Anastasia and Christian decide that Anastasia will stay another day, and then Christian’s issues with food rear their annoying heads and he orders Anastasia to eat more than she wants to.

You guys… I’m starting to think that Christian uses this as a way to control Anastasia. I know it’s farfetched, but stick with me here: it’s like he’s training her to be good little girl outside of, as well as inside the bedroom.

 

…Nahhhhh. Can’t be. That would make Christian some sort of an asshole!

There is a brief phone call from Kate where she grills Anastasia about how hot the sex was, but Anastasia shuts it down quick ‘cause Nosey McNoserton is like, right there and he did make her sign the NDA earlier.

After Anastasia hangs up, she does mention that she’ll have questions and that maybe she should have a way of asking them, and Christian, point-misser extraordinaire, says that she can ask him.

Uh, no. What’s to stop you from inventing the rules, cockface? This is why the NDA is total bullshit. This is not how this is supposed to work like, at all. But whatever, it’s bath time.

So Christian’s bathtub is “designer,” whatever that means, and it’s where we get our third sexual encounter, lucky SOBs that we are.

Christian bathes Anastasia, then Christian orders Anastasia to bathe him because he wants to foster a strong bond between her and his cock. Naturally.

The washing turns into a handjob, which then turns (quite naturally, actually) into a blowjob.

Much like me, Anastasia is pretty good at it despite her inexperience (and the whole “teeth” thing. Anastasia, honey, you’ve gotta ask before you try that… Some guys don’t take too kindly to such a step), and even swallows on her first time out.

After Christian recovers (“ ‘Don’t you have a gag reflex?’”), he wants to give the quid for Anastasia’s quo, so they head (hehe) to the bedroom for just that.

He takes this opportunity, however, to beg Anastasia to say yes to the “arrangement” outlined in the rules he gave her earlier, aaaaand I’m back to fucking hating him.

Seriously, dude? Seriously? You think right before sex is the best time to make decisions?

That’s another check for Christian in the “manipulative douchetool” column.

This time Anastasia gets tied up with one of Christian’s ties, and Christian takes the express downtown. Anastasia still can’t say “pussy” or “vagina,” and insists on using “my sex.” So I’m gonna take this as is and assume that Christian licked the hell out of her female.

I have to work with what I’m given.

Christian talks less this time, which is bloody fantastic. I vote for more cunnilingus, if it means he shuts the fuck up.

After the trip downtown, Christian pulls a condom from out of nowhere and fucks Anastasia one more time. He again tries to make his case, but sounds from outside disrupt his expert manipulation.

Turns out Christian’s mother has just popped by for a visit.

 

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “ ‘Turn around. I need washing, too,’ he murmurs. Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp.”

Hey, Christian… if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.

2. “ ‘I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.’”

Duh, dumbass, it’s your cock. Of course you’re attached to it. Also: LMAOMG. Seriously?! If a guy ever said this to me, I’d laugh until I passed out.

It is fitting that it’s his most beloved part of his body, though, him being a dick and all.

3. “Hmm… I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.”

Ugh. Thanks for ruining popsicles for me, Anastasia.

4. “I do as he asks, and he binds my wrists together with his tie, knotting it firmly. His eyes are bright with wild excitement. He tugs at the binding. It’s secure.”

5. “This time he doesn’t stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!”

Well, at least she’s not calling it her sex, right?

6. “He turns to my other knee and kisses his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently.”

7. “ ‘I like this.’ He gently tugs at my pubic hair. ‘Perhaps we’ll keep this.’”

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in. There’s nothing like music to cook by.”

Music: Brought to you by the makers of Orange Juice^tm!

2. “I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I am turning puce.”

Puce, really?

I advise you to seek a doctor, Anastasia.

3. “ ‘Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.’ I choke on my tea, and I stare at him, eyes wide and gaping. He pats me gently on the back and passes me some orange juice(™). I cannot tell what he’s thinking.”

…He’s thinking about blowjobs. Keep up, dumbass.

4. “ ‘Ana, why didn’t you text last night?’ She’s angry.

‘I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.’”

NO ONE SPEAKS THIS WAY

5. “That is going to be one difficult square to circle.”

6. “ ‘Besides,’ his tone is harsher. ‘Your room-mate is making the beast with two backs with my brother.’”

… I know Shakespeare. Shakespeare is a very good friend of mine. You, sir, are no Shakespeare.

7. “ ‘I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?’ he says through clenched teeth. ‘You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?’ I gasp, automatically unlocking my lip, shocked.”

“Unlocking”? What? Who are these people?!

8. “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

Oh, yeah? My inner goddess is punching your inner goddess in the throat.

9. “What now? My pulse has gone through the roof, my heart beating a frantic tattoo. He runs his fingers down my pigtails. ‘You look so young with these,’ he murmurs and moves forward.”

10. “Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror.”

What? What the fuck does that even mean?!

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Quickly, he clambers out of the bath, giving me my first full glimpse of the Adonis, divinely formed, that is Christian Grey. My inner goddess (reviewer: I will kill you) has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”

Anastasia’s inner goddess, pictured here:

Also?

 

Christian Grey, Tech Specialist

“ ‘Water and iPods—not a clever combination,’ he mutters.”