Thursday, September 13, 2012

100 Ways to Hate

 

So after Anastasia reads the highly delightful contract, she finds that she needs some time to think, so she goes for a run.

I remain skeptical that she has the necessary equipment to think, but what the hell? Let’s just see where this takes us.

Anastasia’s “research” has taught her that the contract is technically unenforceable (RIP idea of Kinky Sex Police ), which leads to the realization that it exists merely to set the boundaries of the “relationship.”

 

 

How was that in any way not clear? THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR SEX LIFE, DUMBASS (unless you’re gay, of course, but don’t even get me started…), WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WONDER ABOUT THE LEGALITY OF A SEX CONTRACT?!

What was she thinking, that if she signed and then told Christian to fuck off that he’d send in a SWAT team and have her sent to Gitmo? Anastasia, stop thinking. You’re doing it wrong.

She then wonders if she’s prepared to give him—well…everything, really, for nothing. I can sort of understand her here, because being a submissive requires a lot of trust, and these idiots have known each other for all of five seconds. Anastasia’s real problem is that she really shouldn’t trust Christian because in the five seconds she has known him, he’s stalked her, manipulated her, and has given her very little information about himself.

So your answer, Anastasia, if you’ve been following along, should be NO.

 

If she took my advice, though, then there would be no rest of the book. And while that would make me deliriously happy, it is not reality. Le sigh.

Anastasia briefly wonders if maybe being “seduced at such a young age” fucked Christian in the head and made him such a kinky freak, but then dismisses it as a mystery.

It is around now that she finishes her run, and then there’s a weird short scene where Kate models some bikinis for Anastasia (SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY) before Anastasia escapes to her room to email Christian:

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Shocked of WSUV

Date: May 23 2011 20:33

To: Christian Grey

Okay, I’ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you.

Ana”

 

Me:

 

“I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke.”

… Oh.

Anastasia then panics a little, realizing that for something to be a joke, it has to actually be funny, and that it wouldn’t matter even if it was because Christian Grey is a humorless dickwad.

To stop herself from chain-smoking or something, she packs and then decides to go over the contract again to make notes. After a bit, she glances up and finds Christian creepily standing in the doorway creepily watching her like the motherfucking Slender Man.

… Christian?

Turns out that he felt that her email warranted a reply in creepy person.

Then Anastasia bites her lip, and that, combined with the fact that she’s all gross from working out turns Christian on.

So… let me get this straight: Anastasia emails him saying she’s not interested, and he hunts her down and seduces her.

 

I… I actually have no words. I think I may have actually burst a blood vessel in my brain just now.

E.L. James, you are everything I hate.

And the fact that Anastasia gives in is just--

I need a minute…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway. After they’re… done, they discuss Christian’s issues with the word “nice” and they confirm for each other that Anastasia is still considering Christian’s… offer. Then Anastasia says something about Mrs. Robinson (Christian’s statutory rapist), and he mentions that he still talks to her.

Anastasia gets jealous and says the right thing for the wrong fucking reason, as usual:

“ ‘I see.’ My voice is tight. ‘So you have someone you can discuss your alternative lifestyle with, but I’m not allowed.’”

BINGO. BINGO, MOTHERFUCKER. I WOULD LIKE TO COLLECT MY WINNINGS NOW BECAUSE THAT IS BINGO AND THAT AIN’T THE DOG I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Christian, who makes a career of missing the point, offers to introduce Anastasia to one of his former subs.

Anastasia sort of kinda kicks him out, but not before he mentions that he’d love give her “a good hiding.”

Anastasia wishes he was “normal” (seriously, now… Fuck you and “normal.” What does that even mean, “normal”?) and complains to herself that she wants much more than he is willing to give.

THEN TELL HIM THAT, DUMBASS. This really isn’t fucking rocket science.

He leaves and they have a date for Wednesday and I don’t even care at this point because this chapter is trolling me, I’m sure of it.

There is another scene where Kate and Anastasia discuss Christian and his issues and then something about Anastasia’s dad coming to her graduation.

Then there are more emails, one of which is Anastasia’s list of issues with the contract (included in Sexy Tiems), and then Christian Grey orders her to bed and this is me:

I need a goddamn drink.

 

Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy

1. “He reaches down, and from his pants pocket, he takes out his silver grey (GET IT GUYS IT’S GREY LIKE HIS NAME) silk tie… that silver grey woven tie that leaves small impressions of its weave on my skin. He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard. He pulls at my binding checking it’s secure. I’m not going anywhere. I’m tied, literally, to my bed, and I’m so aroused.”

Phew, am I glad she said “literally” there, because after the step-by-step description of him tying her to the bed, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to just assume

 

2. “ ‘Are you thirsty, Anastasia?’ he asks, his voice teasing (there’s actually no period after “teasing,” but I’m adding it ‘cause I have a headache and this book, you guys… Fuck this book). ‘Yes,’ I breathe, because my mouth is suddenly parched. I hear the ice clink against the glass, and he puts it down again and leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious, crisp, liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine.”

I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed it’s not Orange Juicetm

 

3. “He slowly and leisurely trails chilled kisses down the center of my body, from the base of my throat, between my breasts, down my torso, and to my belly. He pops a fragment of ice in my navel in a pool of cool, cold wine.”

Fucking English… How does that bitch work?

 

4. “ ‘If you spill the wine, I won’t let you come,’”

… Okay, I admit that one kinda got me hot. Except for the part where it’s Christian Grey, anyway.

 

5. “He kneels up between my legs, and very slowly he pulls my panties off, staring down at me, his eyes gleaming. He puts on the condom. I watch fascinated, mesmerized. ‘How nice is this?’ he says as he strokes himself.”

…Seriously?

 

6. “ ‘Come on, Anastasia, again,’ he growls through clenched teeth, and unbelievably, my body responds, convulsing around him as I climax anew, calling out his name. I shatter again into tiny fragments, and Christian stills, finally letting go, silently finding his release. He collapses on top of me, breathing hard. ‘How nice was that?’ he asks through gritted teeth.”

Dude. Let it go.

 

7. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Issues

Date: May 24 2011 00:02

To: Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

Here is my list of issues. I look forward to discussing them more fully at dinner on Wednesday. The numbers refer to clauses:

2: Not sure why this is solely for MY benefit – ie to explore MY sensuality and limits. I’m sure I wouldn’t need a ten-page contract to do that! Surely this is for YOUR benefit. (reviewer: ZING MOTHAFUCKA)

4: As you are aware you are my only sexual partner. I don’t take drugs, and I’ve not had any blood transfusions. I’m probably safe. What about you?

8: I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay – I like this.

9: Obey you in all things? Accept without hesitation your discipline? We need to talk about this.

11: One month trial period. Not three.

12: I cannot commit to every weekend. I do have a life, or will have. Perhaps three out of four?

15.2: Using my body as you see fit sexually or otherwise – please define “or otherwise.” (reviewer: Yes, please do.)

15.5 This whole discipline clause. I’m not sure I want to be whipped, flogged, or corporally punished. I am sure this would be in breach of clauses 2-5. And also “for any other reason”. That’s just mean – and you told me you weren’t a sadist.

15.10 Like loaning me out to someone else would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s here in black and white.

15.14: The Rules. More on those later.

15.19: Touching myself without your permission. What’s the problem with this? You know I don’t do it anyway. (reviewer: If you did, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Just sayin’.)

15.21: Discipline – Please see clause 15.5 above.

15.22: I can’t look into your eyes? Why?

15.24: Why can’t I touch you?

Rules:

Sleep – I’ll agree to 6 hours. Food – I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food list goes or I do – Deal breaker. Clothes – as long as I only have to wear your clothes when I’m with you… okay. Exercise – We agreed 3 hours, this still says 4 (reviewer: That sneaky son of a bitch).

Soft Limits:

Can we go through all of these? No Fisting of any kind. What is suspension? Genital Clamps – you have got to be kidding me (reviewer: HA). Can you please let me know the arrangements for Wednesday? I am working until 5pm that day. Good night.

Ana”

I’m actually kind of impressed. I’m taking this as a sign that I definitely need a drink.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweat pants, and a t-shirt.”

Uh… why are the sneakers nasty if you’ve never used them, Anastasia?

 

2. “I can’t sit in front of that marvel of technology and look at or read any more disturbing material.”

Just call it a fucking laptop, moron.

 

3. “Snow Patrol blaring my ears, I set off into the opal and aquamarine dusk.”

 

 

4. “She doesn’t do it on purpose, I know, but I haul my sorry, perspiration clad, old t-shirt, sweat pants, and sneakers ass into my room on the pretext of packing more boxes.”

There’s no part of that that’s English at all! Wha—who let this woman publish anything?!

 

5. “Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, I breathe.”

Jus—Shut the fuck up. Just stop talking.

 

6. “ ‘I needed time to think,’ I whisper. I’m all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake… and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.”

That’s a relief, because I have no earthly idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

 

7. “ ‘Oh – I don’t know… it seems to have a very beneficial effect on you.’ ‘I’m a beneficial effect, now am I? Could you wound my ego any further, Miss Steele?’”

Apparently Christian doesn’t understand English, either. This entire book needs an ESL course.

 

8. “ ‘I was going to email them to you, but you kind of interrupted me.’ ‘Coitus Interruptus.’”

NO

 

9. “My hair is a state (is it… Iowa? Nebraska? Definitely one of the square ones, right?), and I know I’ll have to face the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition after he’s gone.”

STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE KATHERINE KAVANAUGH INQUISITION HAPPEN IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

 

10. “ ‘I’d say he’s completely smitten with you.’”

There is an error in the above sentence. Please replace the words “smitten with” with any of the following: “stalking,” “manipulating,” or “grooming.”

 

11. “Oh Kate… I wish I could tell you everything, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about him.”

Now, by “sad,” you definitely mean “douchey,” right? “Prickish,” maybe?

 

12. “From: Christian Grey

Subject: Stop Burning the midnight oil

Date: May 24 2011 00:12

To: Anastasia Steele

GO TO BED ANASTASIA.

Christian Grey

CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

 

Oh… shouty capitals!

There are several things to take from this:

(1) FUCK OFF CHRISTIAN, (2) Christian’s sig is obviously not automatic, so why does he keep signing off with his fucking full name and title?! (3) I will punch E.L. James in the face for many things, but I will especially enjoy the punch I give her for “shouty capitals.”

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“He wants me, and this does strange, delicious things to my insides. Not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen, not evil Mrs. Robinson. Me. This beautiful man wants me. My inner goddess (reviewer: AAAAAAAAAAACK) glows so bright she could light up Portland.”

 

Christian Grey, Altar Boy

“ ‘I went to Sunday School, Anastasia. It taught me a great deal.’”

I’ll just fucking bet, Christian.

 

Oh, and for those wondering why this post is titled as it is, an excerpt from the song it comes from:

I... hate... you...
That's an understatement
I... hate... you...
For who you are
I hate you
And all you stand for
I don't care
Anymore
I gave you
100 chances
You gave me
A hundred ways to hate

 

Fitting, no?

7 comments:

  1. DEER in the headlights. Fucking christ. DEER.

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    Replies
    1. Not only that, but the snake one isn't even a thing, and the moth to a flame is a completely different thing.

      Help. Help me, please.

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  2. "cool, cold wine"

    The Redundancy Department of Redundancy has a problem with this description.

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    Replies
    1. And to make it even better, she repeats it just a few sentences later. She's got this writing shit DOWN, Z.

      Delete
  3. Oh god, this chapter, there is so much wrong with it!

    “From: Anastasia Steele

    Subject: Shocked of WSUV

    Date: May 23 2011 20:33

    To: Christian Grey

    Okay, I’ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you.

    Ana”
    _________________

    Every time I read this email she sends I spend a good five minutes trying to discern what her joke was supposed to be. It's a pretty straight forward "fuck off" and yet she "hugs herself with glee" at the little joke she made. You fail at jokes Ana/E.L.!

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    Replies
    1. She fails pretty hard at everything. It's embarrassing to read, really.

      Delete