Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Just when you think this shit can’t get any sillier…


Let’s ride right past the part where I didn’t write anything for two months, yes? I actually took a pretty long break from even reading Shitty Shades because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

But. That’s done, and I feel I am ready to continue pointing out just how big of a failure this entire book is, one chapter at a time.

Now, when we left off, Anastasia was just about to dig into what is no doubt a juicy contract detailing Christian’s expectations for their relationship.

I call it a “relationship,” but it’s fuckery, plain and simple.

I’m not gonna lie to you, folks: the contract is purely delightful. There is just so much WTF in it, that I feel like a me in a shoe store!

I dared not hope after the silliness of the rules, but… it turns out dreams really do come true.

It starts by defining its terms—who we’re dealing with, what their roles will be, and what they need to agree on. There’s even a mission statement, of sorts:

“The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.”


The contract then specifies that no one is allowed to have STDs or other illnesses, and that if during the “term” (read: three months. Christian can only handle three months of a relationship at a time, y’all), one should be diagnosed with such an illness they have to ‘fess up before anything happens.

And you know, this is reasonable… Except that we’ve already established that Anastasia is a filthy virgin—or was, anyway—and something has already fucking happened.

I mean, is an up-to-date Fuck Contract too much to ask, here?! Sheesh.

Then, the contract defines the roles of Dominant and Submissive, which we’re already kind of familiar with.

And then. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, then there’s a schedule. Anastasia has to “make herself available” from Friday through Sunday every week “at times to be specified by the Dominant.”

I’m guessing he summons her with a snap of the fingers or something.

He can also dismiss her at any time and for any reason, something I imagine looks like this:

She can also request to be released (I giggle at how accurate that term may be) at any time, but she has to earn it.

Then there’s all this stuff about how he promises to treat his toy ethically—not sharing her with other people, making sure she’s taken care of if she’s injured, and that all the instruments are clean and stuff.

She, however, has to make sure she takes the pill, has to refrain from masturbating without permission (psh. I’m out), can’t look him in the eye (dude), and she can’t touch him.

I’m gonna be generous and assume he means during the “alloted times,” but honestly? I think this is in general. I never underestimate Christian Grey’s capacity for douche.

Oh, and announcement:

The safewords are “yellow” (close to limit) and “red.” My safewords are “rip” and “virginity,” but you know… different strokes…

Then there are appendices, which are mostly restating the rules he gave her that one time, except for the one that’s kind of like a quiz to ascertain what her soft and hard limits are. That I’ll include in the “Sexy Tiems” subheading for your pleasure. Feel free to supply your own soft and hard limits!

Anyway, after reading this, Anastasia freaks out, but not before taking the time to note that the word “obey” also shows up in old-timey wedding vows. I don’t know how the fuck that’s relevant. Anastasia is a dumbass.

She struggles with the decision—well, she says she struggles with the decision, but it’s pretty clear from pretty much everything we’ve read about her until now that she should tell Christian to go fuck himself with a mace because this is not what she wants. Nothing has convinced me otherwise. She wants him because he treats her like shit, but she doesn’t want him to treat her like shit, and he’s basically said that treating her like shit is the only way she’ll have him.

I mean… Come on.

But she considers accepting because otherwise she’ll end up alone or something.

The next day, she wakes up to a mystery delivery:

Kate mentions that it looks big and that she has to sign for it, which initially makes me think it’s one of these:

The delivery guy also mentions that he has to set it up and show her how to use it, which further makes me think it’s a Sybian, but then it turns out it’s just a stupid Mac.

Anastasia marvels over the fact that she has finally joined us in the 21st century, what with our newfangled machinery and our email and whatnot, and then we have the singular joy of witnessing our first email exchange between Anastasia and Christian.

And yes, I have to read all their emails to each other.

By the way, Christian ends all his emails with “Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”

I trust that tells you all you need to know about him.

Then Anastasia meets José for coffee, where he acts like a human being for once, and Anastasia reassures him that she forgives him.

After that, there’s more emailing (joy), and then Anastasia finally gets around to “researching.” I think she turned Safe Search off, too, ‘cause whatever she sees shocks her enough to need space and time to think.

One hopes she knows how.


Sexy Tiems of the Rich and Creepy


Hard Limits

No acts involving fire play

No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof

No acts involving needles, knives, cutting, piercing, or blood

No acts involving gynecological medical instruments

No acts involving children or animals

No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin

No acts involving breath control

No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or direct), fire or flames to the body”

I absolutely fucking love that he had to specify which electric currents he was talking about. Like someone was gonna be all, “hey… what about alternating current? Is that still cool?”


Soft Limits

To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Masturbation
  • Fellatio
  • Cunnilingus
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • Vaginal fisting
  • Anal intercourse
  • Anal fisting

Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive?

Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Vibrators
  • Dildos
  • Butt Plugs
  • Other

Is Bondage acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Hands in front
  • Hands behind back
  • Ankles
  • Knees
  • Elbows
  • Wrists to ankles
  • Spreader bars
  • Tied to furniture
  • Blindfolding
  • Gagging
  • Bondage with Rope
  • Bondage with Tape
  • Bondage with leather cuffs
  • Suspension
  • Bondage with handcuffs/metal restraints

What is the Submissive’s general attitude about receiving pain? Where 1 is likes intensely and 5 is dislikes intensely: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

Which of the following types of pain/punishment/discipline are acceptable to the Submissive?

  • Spanking
  • Paddling
  • Whipping
  • Caning
  • Biting
  • Nipple clamps
  • Genital clamps
  • Ice
  • Hot wax
  • Other types/methods of pain”

… Oh. With Christian? Never mind.


Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that?

The word you’re looking for is “douchey.”

2. “This is no way to have a relationship. I need some sleep. I’m shattered. All the physical shenanigans I’ve been engaged in over the last twenty-four hours have been, frankly, exhausting.”

3. “As José would say, a real mind-fuck.”

He wouldn’t say it like that, he’s Hispanic. He’d say “dios mio, a real mind-fuck.”

4. “My inner goddess (reviewer: UGHHHHH) is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

Firstly, your “inner goddess” is a buffoon. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with lots of cats. Thirdly, you’re a fucking a clown shoe.

5. “I wander into the kitchen to join Kate. ‘What is it?’ she says inquisitive, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She’s slept well too.”

Huh. Punctuation be hard, yo.

Also, Kate, pictured here:

6. “ From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Enquiring Minds

Date: May 23 2011 08:25

To: Christian Grey

I have many questions, but not suitable for email, and some of us have to work for a living. I do not want or need a computer indefinitely. Until later, good day. Sir.



…Fucking Luddite.

7. “José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gamboling dark-eyed puppy.”

8. “ ‘Ana,’ he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be angry with him anymore.”

Just what the fuck does a “all-Hispanic-American smile” look like?!

9. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Internet Research

Date: May 23 2011 17:59

To: Christian Grey

Mr. Grey

What would you suggest I put into a search engine?



10. “From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Bossy!

Date: May 23 2011 18:04

To: Christian Grey

Yes… Sir. You are so bossy.



From: Me

Subject: Duh-doy

Date: August 28 2012 18:53

To: Anastasia Steele

You are a complete fucktard.


Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“The only man I’ve ever been attracted to, and he comes with a bloody contract, a flogger, and a whole world of issues. Well, at least I got my way this weekend. My inner goddess (reviewer: ARGHHHHHH) stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes… she mouths, nodding at me smugly.”


Christian Grey, Master of Work Ethic

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Do The Work!

Date: May 23 2011 17:50

To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele

Delighted you had a good day. While you are emailing, you are not researching.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.”


From: Me

Subject: Snarky Response

Date: August 28 2012 19:02

To: Douchebag

Stop replying, then, fuckface.


Empress, Your Superior in Every Way


  1. Yay! You used the Brad "racism" gif!! ;D

    That contract is a piece of work. Someone with very little sexual experience can't be expected to make a fully formed decision on such an in depth contract like that. Also, how douchey is it that he needs a contract in the first place, from someone he just met? How about they try dating for a bit and working in the kink stuff gradually? Why the fuck does it have to be an all or nothing type of thing?

    Oh right, I forgot. Christian is a beautiful, damaged snowflake. *rolls eyes*

    1. I'll damage him, all right.

      I don't get how they're even attracted to each other at all. I mean, opposites attract, but this is way beyond ridiculous.

  2. Ahhhhhh the squirrel. You're my favorite.

  3. I don't get it. If she didn't have a computer, how exactly did she put songs on her iPod?