I will PAY YOU to be less awkward…

 

In Chapter Three of Fifty Shades of Shit, we are “treated” to Anastasia and Christian having a first date. At least I think it was a date…

But let’s start at the beginning. Now, in Chapter Two, during the whole hardware thing, Anastasia and Christian made a sort of agreement to arrange a photo shoot for Kate’s (no doubt hard-hitting) article on Christian.

No need for an entire photo shoot, 50 Shades of Suck was more than happy to provide his headshot:

 

 

So Anastasia calls Kate from the stockroom at work (I would’ve fired her ass for wasting company time, but hey) and tells her all about it. Kate rightly guesses that Christian being in the store was not such a random crazy happenstance, Anastasia is clueless again, and then they decide to have José do the photo shoot, because it’d be funny to show him just who his rival is when it comes to Anastasia’s affections.

Actually, it’s because the regular newspaper photographer can’t do it, and we all know that Kate has a history of delegating  to non-newspaper affiliated personnel.

After finishing the phone call with Kate, Paul comes in and catches Anastasia stealing time and asks her out. Anastasia says no, because she prefers possible serial killers, and “escape[s]” as Paul creepily promises that one day she’ll succumb to his advances.

 

So then there is a jarring—I don’t know… Do you call it a segue if it’s not done smoothly at all? I mean, I tend to think of segues as things you sort of slip into like a slinky dress. There needs to be a word for segues that are not that. Can I say “segues” any more?! Yes, I can: Segues.

Anyway, there is a not-a-segue in which Anastasia tries to convince José to do the damn photo shoot and José hilariously groans: “But I do places, Ana, not people.”

Kate ends up being the one to convince him to do people just this once, and then it is time for Anastasia to call Christian and tell him what’s what. Kate observes Anastasia’s reaction during the phone call and rightly concludes that Christian Grey revs Anastasia’s motor, something that we have all known for three motherfucking chapters now.

Anyway, nothing terribly important happens, and Anastasia can’t sleep well because she has wet dreams again. Seriously, Anastasia,

(Source)

The next day dawns, and it is time to go shoot the hell out of Christian Grey (sadly, not with a gun). So the gang heads to… You know? I’ll let Anastasia take over:

“José, Travis, and I are traveling in my Beetle, and Kate is in her CLK, since we can’t all fit in my car. Travis is José’s friend and gopher, here to help out with the lighting.”

… I’m sorry, Travis is who? José’s friend and gopher?!

“Gopher,” she says!

I’m sure you could’ve all fit in the Beetle if Kate held Travis in her lap. Although how he’ll help with the lighting without opposable thumbs is a mystery. LOL. Gopher.

They get to the hotel, set up, and Christian arrives with some guy. Introductions are made, and predictably, José and Christian don’t become BFFs because apparently every single guy in this book becomes a possessive prick when it comes to Anastasia.

So the photo shoot happens and Christian takes his leave… but not before asking Anastasia to have a cup of coffee with him. Anastasia throws up a half-hearted excuse, and Grey rips through it like he will rip through other things in the future… I’ve heard.

So Anastasia goes back into the suite to swap cars with Kate and let her know where she’s going, and Kate once again says what everyone knows but adds that she doesn’t trust Grey. She says he’s dangerous, especially to someone like Anastasia. I was assuming she meant someone incredibly stupid, but she meant “innocent.” Which is another way of saying stupid, I guess.

Something tells me she meant big, honking VIRGIN, but why she couldn’t say the “V” word is a mystery to me. I also don’t know what she thinks Grey is gonna do in a coffee shop in the morning, especially knowing that Anastasia has now told Kate where she’s going, why, and with whom, but caffeine is a hell of a drug?

So then Anastasia blushes another billion times—without bursting into flames somehow—as she has her date with Christian. The date is more like an interrogation, as Christian asks about Kate, José, Paul, her parents, her mother’s marital history, Ray, if she would like to go to Paris, and if she always wears jeans.

I don’t fucking know what the jeans thing is about, and I honestly don’t even think I wanna know.

Things Anastasia tells Christian Grey on their first date:

• she finds him intimidating (to which he responds “you should find me intimidating.” Dickhead.)
• that he’s very high-handed
• that her father died when she was a baby
• how many times her mother’s remarried
• that Ray likes “European soccer,” bowling, fly-fishing, and making furniture. Also that he’s a carpenter and used to be in the Army.
• the she chose Ray over her mom when her mom met her third husband.

She does manage to ask him personal questions, too, but Christian is a little more circumspect than she is when it comes to sharing family history.

Then Anastasia remembers that she should be studying and the date is over.

Oh, Anastasia gets to ask if he has a girlfriend, to which he douchily replies that he doesn’t “do the girlfriend thing.”

Anastasia reacts so strongly to this that she stumbles into the street and almost gets run over by a cyclist.

Someone needs to stick that chick in a plastic bubble. For real, though.

Don’t worry, folks—Christian saves her, and the chapter ends with Anastasia desperately wanting him to kiss her. Gag me with every motherfucking spoon ever made.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

1. “I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination. Is Grey? My subconscious (reviewer: Nope) asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. I slap her down.”

… I can already tell that this “subconscious” bullshit is gonna drive me to drink. And of course it’s figurative, you fucking dolt.

2. “ ‘Listen here, José Rodriquez, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?’ Kate can be awesomely tough.”

… Or awesomely a bitch. And what in the fucking hell is José’s last name? Is it “Rodriquez” or “Rodriguez”? And it’s “capisce.” It’s not technically English, but if you’re gonna use other languages in your crappy book, at least get it right.

3. “I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.”

I… what?!

4. “I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.”

5. “ ‘TAYLOR,’ he calls, making me jump.”

LOL. I love when people try to use internet conventions in published works non-ironically. Wait. No. No, I don’t.

6. “Grey smiles a dazzling, unguarded, natural, all-teeth-showing, glorious smile.”

I am starting a home for abused adjectives.

7. “Surprised and embarrassed, they jump apart, staring guiltily in every direction but ours.”

stare

verb (used without object)

1.

to gaze fixedly and intently, especially with the eyes wide open.

8. “He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.”

WHO GIVES A SHIT?!

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“ ‘ Kate, he’s just trying to be nice.’ But even as I say the words, I know they’re not true—Christian Grey doesn’t do nice. He does polite, maybe. A small quiet voice whispers, perhaps Kate is right. My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me. After all, he did say he was glad Kate didn’t do the interview. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.”

 

Christian Grey, King of Douchehall Mountain

“ ‘I’m used to getting my own way, Anastasia,’ he murmurs. ‘In all things.’”