Saturday, June 23, 2012

Dear god, what have I gotten myself into?!

 

I blame this—as well as so many other things—on Stephenie Meyer. Some people have wet dreams, tell someone about ‘em, and then just go on about their day, but no. Not Stephenie fucking Meyer. She writes the worst teen romance ever, and in the process inspires the worst fanfic ever, which becomes the tripe I’m starting this blog with:

That shit says “bestseller” on it! Bestseller.

The book itself starts with our fearless heroine scowling at herself in the mirror. No, wait… “scowling with frustration” at herself in the mirror. Apparently, her hair is unruly and she hates being a good friend. Because don’t ever doubt it, my friends… Anastasia Steele is an asshole.

See, Anastasia’s friend/roommate/secret crush Kate got sick with the flu to spite her, and then had the gall to ask her for a favor. And speaking of this favor—what the fuck. That’s not a question.

Kate is a journalist or something, and she has an interview with Christian Grey who’s the King of Douchehall Mountain (or the CEO of some big company. Same diff), but since she’s sick she asks Anastasia to go, which makes absolutely NO FUCKING SENSE because Anastasia is not a journalist, and judging by her inner monologue, doesn’t even know how the English language works. If journalists were even allowed to pass their stories on to other people (they may, I have no idea), wouldn’t those other people have to—oh, I don’t know—work at the same paper?

Anyway, whatever. Suspension of disbelief, I guess.

So after briefly demonstrating that Anastasia is totally gay for her friend, E.L. James sends her on a journey to Seattle to meet Christian Grey, CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc (Worst. Company name. Ever). She then describes, at length, every fucking thing in the damn building as well as the building itself.

Oh, by the way, if you wanna know what Anastasia looks like:

“I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up.”

I’m thinking this:

… In which case, die in every fire ever, Anastasia.

But then her outfit (“I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater.”) makes it sound more like this:

… So adjust brains accordingly. Maybe she’s the freakish love-child of Zooey Twee-schanel and Anne Hathaway.

Where was I? Oh, right. Anastasia is let in (another fucking shocker. If this guy is as important as the book keeps trying to beat into my head, wouldn’t security be tighter?) and she meets the Stepford blondes. I actually quite liked that comment. I then got dizzy and had to take deep breaths because that shocked me so much I almost passed out.

And then shit gets real. After pausing to describe the guy that walks out of Grey’s office ( “tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads”), it’s the Moment of Truth.

Anastasia gets up, walks to the office and pushes open the door… and then falls head-first into the office.

OMGZ, YOU GUYS! SHE’S JUST LIKE US! SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW LEGS WORK!

It’s all downhill from there as Miss Graceful stumbles through the worst interview ever and basically pervs on Christian Grey.

By the way? Christian Grey sounds like a complete cockbag. Anastasia thinks so, too, because “omg, he is so arrogant!” is repeated like, eight million times. WE GET IT, OKAY?! MOVE ON.

Grey keeps it creepy by turning the interview around on Anastasia—she’s not that interesting, Christian, give it up—practically offering her a job, and then telling her how to drive. As if she was a child.

Actually—Anastasia is a little dumb, so maybe he has a point there.

Then Christian makes a funny, and Anastasia awkwardly leaves.

I’m not even sure who I’m supposed to like and why. Fuck this book, dude. Just… Ugh.

 

Fucking English, how does it work?

And now we’ve come to the part of the review where we collect sentences from E.L. James’ masterpiece and just despair that we’ll ever make it as a species.

  1. “I cannot believe I have let Kate talk me into this. But then Kate can talk anyone into anything. She’ll make an exceptional journalist. She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful—and she’s my dearest, dearest friend.”

Okay, first of all? Anastasia needs to tell Kate that she’s in love with her. Second of all, E.L. loves adjectives more than she loves shitty fiction.

   2.    “Fortunately, Kate’s lent me her sporty Mercedes CLK. I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time. Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal.”

Don’t call it a “Merc,” you fucking twit. Also, you either “floor it” or you “put the pedal to the metal.” It’s like you don’t know what words mean.

  3.  “Olivia returns with a glass of iced water.”

… That’s ice.

4. “ ‘Did Kate, I mean, Miss Kavanagh, explain what the interview was for?’ ‘Yes. To appear in the graduation issue of the student newspaper as I shall be conferring the degrees at this year’s graduation ceremony.’”

NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. I just—I…

5. “ ‘ My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail.’”

Christ. Even the sentences are awkward in this fucking book.

6. “Which I should be studying for now rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile office, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze.”

Will someone please get the thesaurus away from this woman?!

 

Shut the fuck up, Anastasia

“Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing changes, I inwardly sigh.”

Anastasia:

 

 

Christian Grey, Master of the Universe

“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.”

Ugh… I hate myself so much right now, y’all don’t even know…

 

 

 

 

 

9 comments:

  1. More. More reviews. I will bear your kittens for more reviews.

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  2. This was epic.

    "OMGZ, YOU GUYS! SHE’S JUST LIKE US! SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW LEGS WORK!" <3

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    Replies
    1. Yay, you read this one, too!

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    2. At this point, I will read anything you write. You make the day better. :)

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  3. "I don't want to live on this planet anymore" doesn't even cover it. Maybe I should start writing misogynistic fan-fiction as well; that'll get me published, right?

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    Replies
    1. You know... I think it totally would. :(

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  4. I love this review. This is brilliant. /Please review everything/

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